How much is the right amount?

I am new.
I am inexperience.
I have a traditional mindset.
I do not want to appear like very annoying or what the chinese would have call it, "fan"(烦).
Over-controlling or maybe over protective. Sometimes maybe is my fault. I do not understand that my partner is not a girl.
Or maybe I do not understand the other person.
This post was originally long. But I have deleted them. Sometimes I think I even need to choose my words.
I have no idea why things have to be so formal. I tried opening up to you sometimes, but no matter how much assurance you gave me that is ok for me to be open to you, I still remain very concious. Is as though I have a good image to protect. Don't you notice you just proven is not so ok to seek others for help?
Sometimes I just lost track. I think I am doing the right thing for doing this and that, but I never ask if is really what you want. I may think what I did is the right thing, but you may see it as maybe too much, over controlling or maybe over protective.
Or you would have think, "C'mon, I am not a kid ok?"
This post was originally very long, but I just do not want make you uncomfortable by writing too much of unneccessary thing.
So, I will just stick to the main point.
You just need tell me what is your need. I totally respect that. I believe everyone need is different. I may have think I am giving you what I think you need, but to you is actually not what you really need. And at the end of the day, you are basically still deprived of what you need.
I am not doing anything for you to satisfy my personal ego. I do it because I cared. There are things I am incapable of doing sometimes, but each little thing I think I can do it, I have done what I could in my ability to do it.
Maybe you should tell me what are the right thing to do. Sorry, I have not been someone's boyfriend before. There are many do's and don't I am not aware of.
I do not want to be doing the unneccessary thing all the time whilst missing those that I should have done.
I am not here just to utter I love you everyday for fun. I believe in action. What I can do for you, is how I can show I cared and love you.
I believed we are here to help each other progress in life. There are certainly more than just being romantic.
Last but not least, all I have done is just because I cared, but I may have been excessive sometimes, I do not know.
You just need tell me what you need. I admit I need direct clue from you. Don't beat around the bush.
p/s: this post is not well written, I just do not know how to put it in right words. But the main emphasis is, maybe you should tell me what is your definition of a boyfriend. I will always respect your need. Believe me.

End of year is coming!

Ever since I started uni life, I have 2 new year in one year :O
In fact, my school is having Christmas celebration this May! Early Christmas... =.="
But we cannot help it, June and December is like end of the year for us. When May creeps in, is the season of tense and pressure. Everyone has got no mood for jokes anymore. But still, we will go for movies and birthday celebration to keep a balance to the stressful month.
It is in fact the time of the year where everyone need lots of encouragement and motivation. Hair pulling and kiasu-ism is a common sight during this period.
As for me, time passed really fast as usual, studying my course is like riding a bullet train, time just slip pass you without notice.
I have to gladly report a zero wastage of day this year. ;)
Everyday was utilised and there is no time for mind wandering or entertaining the Mr Moody in me.
But is indeed really time to be really serious and focus.
Fight fight fight fight! Just hope everything will remain smooth as it is until finals is over.
Definitely looking forward to the semester break after finals!

i've been working hard so long

seems like pain has been my only friend

my fragile heart's been done so wrong

i wondered if i'd ever heal again

ohh just like all the seasons never stay the same

all around me i can feel a change (ohh)

i will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me

leave the past behind me, today my life begins

a whole new world is waiting it's mine for the taking

i know i can make it, today my life begins

yesterday has come and gone

and i've learn how to leave it where it is

and i see that i was wrong

for ever doubting i could win

ohh just like all the seasons never stay the same

all around me i can feel a change (ohh)

i will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me

leave the past behind me, today my life begins

a whole new world is waiting it's mine for the taking

i know i can make it, today my life begins

life's to short to have regrets

so i'm learning now to leave it in the past and try to forget

only have one life to live

so you better make the best of it

i will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me

leave the past behind me, today my life begins

a whole new world is waiting it's mine for the taking

i know i can make it, today my life begins

i will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me

leave the past behind me, today my life begins

a whole new world is waiting it's mine for the taking

i know i can make it, today my life begins

today my life begins...

My life begins this year in fact... ;) Definitely won't give up so easily till it gets better!

Short term memory lost or premature-Alzheimeir?

Today is really a weird day.

It was suppose to be a great day, but I do not know which part of my brain went wrong.

I was at dear's place until 8pm when I needed go home already. So quickly left and when I stepped out of his house,something striked my mind.

I forgot to take my bag.

However, I decided to just forget about it as I needed to rush home and I knew there was nothing important in the bag. I can just take it tomorrow.

Dear called when I just drove out of his house, informing that I forgot to take my bag, but I told him I will just take it next time since there was nothing important.

I never know that decision will be the beginning of my trouble for the day. >< When I reached home, as usual I will take my key and open the gate. As usual, the key will be in my pocket or in the car. Ei...where is my key?? Find both the pocket and all over the car still cannot find my key. I was blanked for a moment. Only then I realised...OMG!! I left it in the bag!!! Still unable to accept the truth, I continued ransacking the car and my pocket hoping to find the key. I was trying hard to think what I should be doing at that point. Staring at the gate but unable to open it. Telling my mom that I forgot to bring home the key and asking her to open the door is certainly a death option. I am going to be skin alive if she know I lost my key ><

At that point, I was panicking. I know the key must be a dear's place. But I cannot be too sure. But I know it cannot be anywhere else. I have not went anywhere today. So, quickly call dear but no one pick up the phone. Called again and again, no one pick up the phone T____T Why when you are in panic, everything just went wrong? I am not sure if he is showering. So I decieded instead of wasting time making phone calls that no one will answer, I just accelerate and head to dear's place.

While driving half way, dear called me and I quickly told him to look for my key inside the bag. True enough, the key was inside the bag. Ok, at least I know my key is safe. But knowing that I need to go through the heavy traffic after the bad rain just to get a key and knowing I should be home now just make me feel so hopeless. All I can do is just to stop thinking about it and focus on driving. When I reached dear's place, I called him to take the bag out. I was waiting in the car and wondering why he took so long to come out. You see, when you are rushing, everything seems very slow to you. When he finally come out, I nearly laughed. He is walking so happily carrying my bag on his shoulder. He gave me my bag and I asked if he had his dinner. Before waving goodbye, he give me a flying kiss. And after saying goodbye, he stand outside the car and start drawing two heart with an arrow on the condensed car window glass. I laughed...I am happy, but I was rushing too >< So quickly rush home while glancing at the drawing on the window whenever the car slow down. Silly boy! LOL Finally reached home. Feed my dog. Then want to throw rubbish already, when dear called me and informing me that he need to go to sleep already. Wished him goodnight and I continued packing the rubbish. When I need to open the door, I realised my key is missing again!! ><" But this time I just use my mom's key. After got home, I need go dinner but still haven't found my key. I know is inside the house, maybe I misplaced it somewhere. I decided to find the key after dinner.

After dinner...

Start to look for the key in my room. Searched everywhere for it, in my bag, on my bed, on the table, on the floor...I cannot find it!! T___T Start to panic again, find in the kitchen and all over the house but still cannot find it. Why is my key running from me today? T___T I stand for a while and start recalling what I have done when I got home. Maybe I accidentally throw the key away with the rubbish! :O Quickly go find the rubbish and start searching, still cannot find it. I was so hopeless, where has my key gone??? I know is in the house but I cannot find it. Search again high and low at every corner of the house. The possible place is only kitchen and my room. Room don't have. Look really hard in the kitchen, still cannot find!!! T___T Finally, I saw the waste basket in the kitchen and my mind just tell me to look inside the basket.

At first I cannot find anything, but I suddenly saw something very familiar...My precious KEY!!!! HOW ON EARTH IT ENDED UP IN THE WASTE BASKET??? I know that I must have unconciously throwed the key away into the waste basket. T___T

Finally after I found my key, I changed my clothes in my room when I saw RM 10 notes in the envelope on my table. How come got money geh??? I quickly look into the envelope and found RM 20 inside there. Then I feel in my pocket and there is RM 10 notes in the pocket. Ha??!! Since when I put money in the envelope???

Ok...this is not the first time such thing happened, there are many times when I really cannot remember that I have done something. For example, I locked the door before going out. When I was half way already, I suddenly cannot remember if I have locked the door, and being unable recall it, I quickly go home again and to find that the door is indeed locked. T___T There are also sometimes when I misplaced my spectacle and I have to look all over for it! Sometimes when I am taking down notes, I do not realised that I am writing the same thing twice!!

The chinese would have call this: Zi gei hak zi gei ( scare yourself)

Usually such incident happened when I am running on auto-pilot. My mind is thinking of other thing but my hand and body is working on another thing. This resulted in me not knowing what I have done >< I do not know why, my mind just keep running 24/7 unless I am asleep. Even when I am talking to someone, my mind could be thinking of something else.

Think too much...should really stop thinking and day dreaming. ARGHH!! ><

What do you think?

Meme, as got tagged by Calvin.

1. What is in your mind right now?
Thinking of what to do tomorrow, how to finish revising and prepare for presentation @.@

2. Who is your role model?
No specific one, I get new role model all the time, observe people around me and pick up the good traits that I think worth following, or anyone with strong character and will to succeed, is impressing :p

3. What is your biggest fear?
Spend my life without love, being alone and being poor.

4. What talent do you wish to have? (No magical stuff)
To speak in any language and able sing :p

5. What is the one thing you want to change about yourself?
Cannot be only one, there are a lot I want improve on myself >< from physical to personality.

6. Who is your fictional hero?
Doraemon :p

7. Was your course of study during college/university a choice of your passion or a demand from your parents?
Neither.

8. Which item you cannot live without: handphone or computer?
Handphone

9. What is your dream job?
Movie director/ Successful entrepreneur.

10. Would you pose nude in a series of photographs for a million dollar? (Note: Currency is one million in your own country's value)
yes, why not? Million dollar for ur photo? I must be so gorgeous to worth that much xD

Who I want tag:

Alex (Lil tidbits of life)

Flowers in the Attic

A seed was hidden underneath layer of dust,

Let alone in the dark closet,

Every second anticipating to be found.

Xtra odinary touch of love breathed life into me,

I was a dormant seed from a withered plant,

Most cared for once upon a time,

I lived again because you watered me,

Sprouting my first shoots,

Saplings started sprouting more leaves ,

Your faith and love,

Often the sunshine nurturing me,

Until I became dependent,

Sometimes deprived of sunshine,

Only to realise I yellowed and leaves were shed,

Much sunshine I will need, even minutes of ray will do,

Until I became a tree,

Coping with growth in this attic,

Hoping to bloom flowers one day as an appreciation for the life you breathed.

The Boy Next Door

A very meaningful short film in its own way.

Smile

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

p/s: no matter is good day, bad day, tiring day, hectic day, moody day, hyper day, horny day, cold day, warm day....YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A REASON FOR A SMILING DAY. HOPE YOU FEEL THE SAME, SMILE EVERYDAY NO MATTER HOW YOUR DAY TURNED OUT TODAY =)

Aimless day

An aimless day, with no iniative to wake up early,

An aimless day, with plan to follow but no motivation to get it done,

An aimless day, with no idea of what today is all about,

An aimless day, with cakes and coffee for breakfast but ended up having only cakes,

An aimless day, knowing the coffee will spill but still being ignorant,

An aimless day, ended up with no coffee but a mess to clean,

An aimless day, with cakes that tasted different and ended up coughing it out,

An aimless day, with things to do but ended up sleeping,

An aimless day, with the usual routine but is seems more routined today,

An aimless day, with no concentration despite piles of work yet to be done,

An aimless day, drifting around with the flow of the wind,

An aimless day, is a wasted day,

An aimless day leading to aimless post of not even knowing how to end this post.

Do you experience your aimless day?

An aimless day, because my bow and arrow were ready but the target was no where to be seen.

What goes around comes around

Being much younger back then, there was not much consideration in me for others. I do not really care about others and how my action will affect them.

I expect others to please my need all the time, and if they failed, they will face some nastiness from me. Despite that, they still cared for me, in which I am truly blessed.

I have seen someone enduring all the nastiness from me and still continued caring for me. It has made me wonder, why is that person so stupid?

Well, is because that person loved you.

It made me realised how immature I am and I slowly begin to change over the years.

The trait is still in me, but I know better now and think twice before acting on my inconsideration.

As the saying said, "What goes around comes around"

You never realised how you affected others until it affected you. Once a while, I got those treatment from others, exactly the same with how I behaved back then, it hurts and definitely do not understand why you are being treated that way.

But I cannot blame them, I was not a perfect person myself.

Do not unto others, what you do not wish to be done unto you.

Being too clingy

What do you feel when you have someone who cling on you where ever you go 24/7 or maybe need you around constantly?

Don't you find that person annoying?

Don't he has a life?

It does not matter how close both the person can be, but if you need to stick to someone every minute or even second of the day, it starts to get annoying, not to the person clinging but to that person being clinged.

Everyone need some moment alone, their own privacy, to either finish their work or have some self-reflection moment. Or at least a balance and exposure to other people instead of the same person everday.

How pathetic is someone who don't have anyone but only one person for them to cling on.

I was guilty of all that many years ago, not that I do not have any life, but I just found one centre point of attention, and become totally ignorant and only focus to that centre point. It has come to a point, my world will not move without that person around.

And it is because of that, when that person leave you, you become totally devastated.

Nobody like someone who needed attention all the time. You may be free, but someone else is busy. Or you may be busy but someone is free. When time like this happened, both party must know how to respect each other.

It does not mean that person love you less or think of you less if they do not attend to you every second of the day. Sometimes, even the person who love you most has got something else to worry about beside you alone.

Give each other ample breathing space, not only it creates a healthier relationship, but it also makes both party love each other more.

As the saying said, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

You will appreciate each other better when you see less or heard less of each other. And every opportunity to see other will be cherished and become memorable.

Less is more ;)

p/s: Despite writing this, I cannot help but to be annoying sometimes. You can categorise it as attention seeking, but I would always want see someone I loved in person everyday if possible, even for friends. I know the boundaries, and certainly aware of things that should not be done. No worries. =)

If you love someone, you have to be selfless

I closed my eyes, I slept, I woke up and I smiled. Knowing that I will be awake everday with you in my life. Is happier than everything I had so far.

I closed my eyes. Fear creeped in. Afraid I will be awake knowing you are no longer around. No longer loving me. No longer part of my life. No longer cares for me. And the worst will be knowing that you are now belonged to someone but that person is not me.

The constant thing that keep bothering me. I am just too afraid to go through it again. The feeling of losing someone you loved so much.

As days go by, I stepped deeper into this infatuation, unable to control myself, the feelings just developed as I opened myself and bring myself closer to you.

Yes..and your reciprocation to every step taken by me just catalysed the whole development of my feelings for you. I never expect it to develop that fast and suprisingly so solid.

But I'm just afraid. Telling myself to hold my feelings for you is almost impossible. It will never happen that way. Is true, you do not suddenly decide that you love a person. It comes without knowing.

Yes, I know you will tell me now that your feelings for me will not change and it will last. But none of us can guarantee what will happen in the future. As the song sang, Que serra serra, the future not ask to see. Who knows what will happen tomorrow right?

No point thinking so far. But I just cannot stop thinking ahead. I am selfish I know when it comes to love. I know that if you really love somebody, you should wish him happy. And that does not neccesarily mean his happiness is with you. But I will wish is forever with me.

I do not know what will happen, but I certainly know, there will be insatisfaction and difficulties faced. I have lots to learn and tonnes to improve. I am not even sure if I will succeed in life.

Yes, we can have big dreams, but no promises of achieving them. We only keep trying till we succeed. It sometimes just make me dumbfounded, I do not know where to start on realising my dreams. The only I can do right now is at least passed my exam and graduate faster. One thing I am sure, there will be a lot hardwork before I can succeed.

I just hope, I do not disappoint the person I love most again.

No one can tell what will happen in future. Only God knows. I can only do my part and do my best.

p/s: I know you will sure scold me for being silly. Is just one of those deep thought I had yesterday, not planning to post it, but after reading a post written by a blogger, feel like posting it. I think too much...sorry, yesterday suddenly quite emo xD