What Kenny means?

Seeing some of you putting this in their blog, I got curious to know what Kenny means, so I get one too.

What Kenny Means

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life. You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip. People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Ya ah? So it means that if you want your future child to have so and so personality, you should give him so and so name. XD

Random 4

OMG, why am I always naming my post title random 1,2,3,4..., sigh, I am so lazy even to think of a proper name meh? I feel so guilty that I have not been updating for quite some time. A week ago I was down with flu and cough, why? Because I am too waisik(eat too much), I just can’t stop eating seeing those super yummy and delicious mandarin oranges stacking nicely inside the box(why should they be so lonely hiding inside the box? They should come out to make me happy by letting me eat them ma, hahaha), cookies, bakwa(roasted slice meat? That day I was wondering what it is called in English), prawn roll, prawn cracker. However, the main culprit is mandarin oranges. I love it so much. I can’t live a day without eating mandarin orange. It is like a drug. I am addicted. Three days ago, the mandarin orange in my house ran out of stock (ya la, I ate 4 orange a day, too greedy), and I was like feeling so uncomfortable, I felt like as though something is missing. I keep thinking about how nice if I get to eat mandarin orange now. I do not know how to describe how delicious it is, but I can assure that is it really the nicest fruit, mandarin orange should really be voted as the king of fruit, Durian is just so smelly and irritating with those thorns( actually I like durian too) can also be king of fruit, I wonder why? I only hate banana. I don’t like it, not nice, so dry, no juice.

it came from a tree

wow,so round,so smooth and so nice

feeling irresistable, I peel it

wow, time to enjoy...

and so it end up in my stomach...

Anyway the reason why I have not been updating is because I did not get a chance to use the computer. I have to share it with my dad. He has it own computer but he likes to use mine, I do not know why. He is always using it when I want to use it. I only have my first computer after my SPM because my dad needs to use it, so this computer is actually my dad’s.

I have been going around snapping picture using my 1.3 mega pixels camera. Let see what I have.


I went to wet market with my mom, vegetables all around...

radish with a butt,haha

porn star radish ready to be fuck,oops!

smelly petai...

most undelicious fruit

your vitamin A resources...

to choose a chili that is spicy you need to make sure it has a sharp tail, those chili with blunt end is usually not spicy

choose me!

next i went to pet shop to buy clothes for my brother(my dog)... and come across a lot of cutiesthis is the mascot for some charity organisation that helps the disable, i am wondering why do they use cockroaches as their mascot, at first I thought they are selling insect repellent!
Bar B.Q plaza mascot wearing a traditional chinese clothing at pyramid,so cute! What I like most is their tv commercial, is really so funny.

Now let see those cuties I am mentioning.

This two picture is actually a t-shirt for dog, cute or not? I am not a plastic dog, lol... It only left one for each design, you can purchase it at pyramid. I did not bought it because it can't fit my dog, he is too fat already.Next, I saw hamsters! They are all so cute, when I saw hamster I think off Koala, the guy who likes hamster a lot, I also had a hamster before, a very cute and fat one but my mom give it away, and the guy accidentally killed it because it got stuck in the exercise wheel. So sad.

gathering together...

rolling here and there,so manja

looking at me curiously

hamster are known for eating non stop!

so cute, I want one too!

The hamster for the last two picture is only sold at RM 10, so cheap, it is so cute and yet so cheap, it is rare to find such a cute hamster at this price. I did not bought it because my brother just wouldn't let me have it. My dog(my brother) is the most jealous dog in the world. It is true. Why? I will tell you why the next time.

boxing hamster,lol

also saw some dog...


The first picture the shih tzu wants to come out, the second one i do not know why this dog looks so sad, mybe because no one bought him. I also saw some iguana, I don't like iguana. haha

Finally I am giving you a glimpse of my brother, the cutest guy in the world.haha xD

cute or not?

Kawan

I do not know what to post, so I am posting another ghost story. During form 4, we are requested to write a ghost story as an assignment for our BM project. I am sorry that the story is in BM, so to those who don't understand BM, I am sorry.

Kawan

Saya merupakan pengacara radio(radio DJ) di sebuah stesen radio. Pengalaman pekerjaan saya agak menarik dan saya menemui pelbagai orang dengan pelbagai cerita yang menarik di talian telefon setiap hari. Terdapat satu peristiwa yang tidak dapat saya lupakan dan saya ingin mengongsinya bersama kamu.

Memang telah menjadi satu kebiasaan stesen radio kami membuka talian telefon untuk orang awam mengongsi pengalaman mereka yang menakutkan bersama kami pada pukul 11.50 malam pada setiap hari Khamis. Saya dipilih untuk mengacara rancangan ini pada setiap minggu. Pada kebiasaannya,tiada kejadiaan aneh yang berlaku walaupun rancangan ini diteruskan sehingga larut malam. Tetapi pada suatu minggu yang telah ditakdirkan saya menemui peristiwa yang aneh ini apabila terdapat seorang budak yang bernama Hong menelefon masuk.Masa itu pukul 12.05 tengah malam.

“Hello,apa khabar? Stesen ini adalah stesen radio 9.88,boleh saya mengetahui siapakah di talian?”,saya menjawab dengan penuh rasa kemesraan,memang tidak sesuai untuk rancangan ini.

“Khabar baik,saya bernama Hong dan saya mempunyai satu cerita yang hendak dikongsi bersama kamu”,jawab suara di talian. Dari nada suaranya,saya dapat mengenal pasti bahawa suara ini merupakan suara budak kecil.

Hong memulakan ceritanya….
Saya mempunyai seorang kawan. Namanya saya tidak boleh memberitahu kamu sebab saya menyayanginya. Saya mula mengenalinya di darjah empat. Kawan saya kematian ayahnyanya semasa dia di darjah tiga dan kematiaan ayahnya memberi kesan yang besar kepadanya. Ayahnyalah yang sentiasa memberi kasih dan sayang kepadanya,manakala ibunya kurang menmpendulikannya.selepas kematian ayahnya,ibunya sering memukulnya. Ibunya meneruskan kehidupan bersama lelaki yang lain dan tidak mempendulikannya. Ibunya sering membawa lelaki yang berlainan balik ke rumah dan jika tidak silap saya,ibunya telah melibatkan diri dalam pelacuran.Hidup dan makan kawan saya ini tidak terurus dan dia sangat kurus. Walaupun rumah tangganya bermasalah dia datang ke sekolah setiap hari.
Semasa saya mengenalinya di darjah tiga,mukanya memang sentiasa pucat selepas kematiaan ayahnya mukanya bertambah pucat. Di kelas dia sering kelihatan lemah dan terdapat beberapa kali dia hampir terpengsan. Dia mempunyai usaha untuk belajar tetapi tidak cemerlang kerana keadaannya tidak mengizinkan. Apabila saya bertanya kepada dia adakah dia berpenyakit, kepala dia akan tunduk dan tidak bercakap apa-apa. Di sekolah rakan-rakan dan guru tidak mempendulikannya dan sering kali terdapat pelajar mengambil kesempatan membulinya. Hanya saya seorang menjadi kawannya kerana saya berasa kasihan dengannya. Kami berkawan dan saya sering membantunya walau dalam apa jua perkara. Kami menjadi sahabat yang sangat akrab dan saya boleh merasakan bahawa persahabatan kami dicemburui orang lain.
Terdapat satu kali di mana haiwan peliharaan elektronik(Tamagochi) kawan saya dirampas oleh sekumpulan pelajar. Dia dibuli dan dipukul. Apabila saya mengetahui perkara ini,saya pergi berjumpa dengan kumpulan pelajar ini untuk merampas balik Tamagochi itu.Merka merupakan samseng tetapi saya tidak takut.Saya bergaduh dengan mereka dan kepala saya berdarah dipukul. Saya dimasukkan ke hospital kerana luka yang agak parah. Walaubagaimanapun saya berjaya merampas balik Tamagochi itu. Kawan saya menangis melihat keadaan saya. Dia berkata,”Hong, tidak berbaloi kamu mencederakan diri untuk saya yang Cuma sampah.Kamu melayan saya terlalu baik.” Saya memberitahunya,”Kawan di dunia ini tida sesiapa yang patut menganggap dirinya layak untuk hidup atau dirinya ialah sampah,semua orang adalah sama di sisi Tuhan.”Bagi saya,saya tahu Tamagochi itu amat penting untuknya kerana itu merupakan hadiah dara ayahnya dan menjadi teman pada masa kesunyiaan.
Kejadiaan itu menambahkan lagi keakraban persahabatan kami dan saya mula menganggapnya sebagai adik saya. Saya mula memperkenalkan agama Kristian kepadanya. Saya menceritakan kepadanya bagaimana Jesus diseksa oleh orang Rom sehingga cedera pada seluruh badan dan bagaimana Jesus dipaksa memakai mahkota berduri di atas kepalanya. Saya menjelaskan kepadanya bahawa Jesus berkorban semata-matanya untuk menyelamatkan kita daripada dosa kita. Tetapi kawan saya tidak dapat menerima kenyataan ini. Dia berkata,”Kenapa dia harus berkorban untuk saya?Saya boleh berkorban untuk diri saya.Dia tidak seharusnya berkorban untuk saya.” Saya terkejut apabila saya terdengar kata-kata dia.Diri saya yang menghadiri kelas agama pun tidak pernah terfikir perkara ini.
Beberapa minggu selepas kejadian ini,muka kawan saya bertambah dengan pucat secara tiba-tiba. Dia terbatuk-batuk dan muntah di dalam kelas. Saya cuba untuk membantunya tetapi dia melarikan diri daripada saya. Saya berasa sedih dengan perubahan sikap dia . Saya cuba untuk mengejarnya tetapi terjatuh.”Kawan,kenapa kamu melarikan diri daripada saya?”saya bertanya.”Cukup Hong,saya sudah banyak menyusahkan kamu,kamu tidak patut menjadi kawan saya,kamu tidak akan bahagia,rosak imej kamu,kamu adalah seorang pelajar yang cemerlang,terdapat banyak orang yang kamu boleh bergaul dengan tetapi bukan dengan saya,butiran sampah yang tidak berguna. Dia terus melarikan selepas berkata. Saya menangis mengenangkan kata-kata dia.
Hari keesokkanya dia tidak datang ke sekolah. Saya berasa bimbang dan melawat rumahnya. Dia tinggal di rumah pangsa kos rendah. Apabila saya sampai di sana,saya terdengar suara riuh-rendah. Saya nampak kawan saya sedang berlari ke arah seorang wanita yang saya tahu ialah emak dia. “Mak,jangan tinggalkan saya mak.Saya berjanji saya saya akan mematuhi apa yang mak kata.Mak saya betul-betul perlukan kamu.Mak…!”dia menjerit dengan tangisannya yang tersedu-sedan. Tetapi tanpa sebarang rasa belas kasihan,emaknya menuju ke arah tangga bersama dengan bagasinya dan meninggalkannya. Kawan saya itu hanya mampu terbaring di situ. Saya berlari ke arahnya dan cuba menenangkannya. Dia memandang saya dengan matanya yang merah dan lebam dan masih menangis. Di atas badannya terdapat kesan rotan yang masih segar lagi. Dia menceritakan kepada saya peristiwa yang berlaku. Semalam apabila dia baru balik dari sekolah dan membuka pintu rumah,dia terdengar suara mengiau-ngiau datang dari bilik maknya. Dirinya yang tidak mengerti apa-apa,menolak pintu bilik dan ternampak emaknya bersama dengan seorang lelaki di atas katil. Kedua-duanya dalam keadaan bogel. Dia terkejut melihat ini. Emaknya tanpa berkata apa-apa terus memakai baju dan keluar dari bilik. Emaknya mencapai rotan dan terus memukulnya dengan kuat. Bertalu-talu pukulan rotan hinggap di atas badannya. Lelaki yang bersama dengan emknya pula duduk di atas katil sambil menghisap rokok. Kawan saya memberitahu saya bahawa sebenarnya itu cuma ibu tirinya. Ibu kandungnya telah meninggal dunia semasa dia dilahirkan.
Saya cuba untuk menenangkan dia dan membawa dia masuk ke dalam rumah. Saya tidak boleh membawa dia balik ke rumah saya kerana ibu bapa saya telah lama membantah persahabatan kami. Saya memberitahunya supaya menunggu di sini dan saya akan membawa bekalan makanan untuk dia. Malam itu,dia dtinggalkan seorang diri di rumah.
Saya tidak dapat melelapkan mata saya pada malam itu kerana saya bimbangkan keselamatan dia. Saya bimbang dia akan berkelakuan bodoh. Tetapi, tidak lama kemudian saya terlelap kerana terlampau penat. Saya termimpi,dalam mimpi semuanya putih dan saya ternampak kawan saya,dia tersenyum dengan saya dan berlalu dari situ. Saya tersedar dari mimpi dan berasa sangat takut. Degupan hati saya bertambah dan muka saya dibasahi peluh. Saya segera pergi ke rumah kawan saya yang tidak berapa jauh dari rumah saya. Setelah sampai di sana,lampu rumahnya tidak dipasang. Rumahnya sangat gelap. Saya mengetuk pintu beberapa kali tetapi tiada jawapan. Saya cuba membuka pintu rumahnya,rupanya tidak berkunci. Saya masuk ke dalam dan mencari kelibat kawan saya. Saya ternampak dia terbaring di satu sudut dengan badan tidak bergerak. Saya segera memasang lampu dan mendapatkan dia.”Bangun kawan,bangun!”,saya menjerit. Tetapi dia masih tidak sedar diri. Mukanya sangat pucat dan bibirnya pun tidak berwarna. Tiba-tiba terdapat seorang lelaki meluru masuk. “Budak,apakah yang kamu sedang buat disini?”,dia bertanya dengan suara yang agak garang. ‘Encik,tolong saya,kawan saya ini sudah hampir nak mati.”,rayu saya. “Kawan apa?”,dia bertanya seperti tidak mengerti apa-apa. (Saya berasa sedikit marah pada masa itu. Tidakkah dia nampak kawan saya yang terbaring di…) Eh,kawan saya sudah hilang! Tidak mungkin,tidak! Saya menjadi bingung pada masa itu. Lelaki itu menjelaskan kepada saya bahawa dia merupakan jiran rumah ini dan tiga hari yang lalu dia ternampak budak rumah ini terpengsan di depan rumahnya. Dia segera menghantarnya ke hospital dan dia memberitahu saya bahawa kawan saya berada dalam keadaan kritikal. Budak itu sebenarnya menghadapi penyakit leukimia. Patutlah dia selalu kelihatan pucat dan rambutnya pula sering gugur. Kawan emak saya pernah mati disebabkan oleh penyakit ini dua tahun yang lalu. “Encik,di hospital manakah dia berada?”,saya bertanya dengan cemas. Dia merelakan dirinya menghantar saya hospital itu.
Dalam perjalanan ke hospital,seribu satu soalan timbul dalam otak saya. Saya baru nampak dia petang ini tetapi dia sudah berada di hospital selama tiga hari. Tidak mungkin! Saya baru nampak dia di sekolah hari itu. Tetapi saya baru sedar yang dia menjadi sangat senyap dan tidak menegur saya pada hari itu. Kawan-kawan yang lain pula macam tidak sedar kehadiran dia walaupun dia asyik batuk-batuk. Tetapi segala misteri itu tidak penting. Yang penting saya harus tahu keadaannya sekarang. Setelah sampai ke hospital,saya dibawa ke wadnya. Saya nampak dia terlantar di atas katil. Mukanya sangat pucat…
“Hong,akhirnya kamu datang…”dia tersenyum sambil berkata apabila dia ternampak saya. “Saya tentulah akan datang,kami ialah kawan yang tidak dapat dipisahkan.”,saya berkata dengan terketar-ketar. Air mata saya mula menitis dan setitik hinggap di atas mukanya. Saya tahu dia tidak dapat bertahan sehingga hari esok. Dia sudah terlalu lemah. “Janganlah nangis,Hong…,kamukan lelaki.”,dia berkata. Saya berasa marah dengan diri saya kerana menunjukkan kelemahan saya di depan dia. Tetapi saya betul-betul tidak dapat menahan perasaan saya. “Biarlah kita menghargai masa yang ada.”saya berkata. “Hong,tahukah kamu sebenarnya apa yang kamu memberitahu saya tentang lelaki yang dipaksa memakai mahkota berduri semata-mata untuk menyelamatkan kita, sebenarnya tidak memakai mahkota berduri tetapi mahkota yang disalut dengan emas yang dihiasi dengan batu permata yang paling cantik.”,dia memberitahu saya. “Sekarang saya akan pergi bersama lelaki ini.”,dia menuding jari ke satu sudut dalam bilik itu. Saya tidak dapat nampak apa-apa pada sudut itu tetapi boleh merasakan satu kehadiran yang menyelesakan. “Hong…”,dia memanggil nama saya sambil tersenyum dan menghembuskan nafas terakhirnya. Tangannya memegang tangan saya dengan kuat. Saya meraung sekuat-kuatnya memanggil nama dia dan memujuknya supaya sedar kembali. Tetapi saya tahu itu semua tidak berguna.
Kini,dia telah meninggal dunia,kawan karib saya. Dia tidak mempunyai upacara pengembumian. Mayatnya disimpan di hospital. Emak tirinya menanggung kos itu dengan penuh paksaan. Saya berdoa selama seminnggu untuk kawan saya.
Pada suatu hari,seminggu selepas kematiannya,saya termimpi dia. Dalam mimpi dia kelihatan sangat gembira dan ada cahaya yang menyelubunginya. Dia memberi saya sehelai kertas yang mengandungi lukisan.Lukisan itu memaparkan pemandangan di syurga. Dia juga memberi saya Tamagochi dia. Kemudian dia melambai pada saya dan hilang barsama cahaya. Apabila tersedar dari mimpi,saya ternampak lukisan dan Tamagochi itu di atas meja saya. Dia memang pernah datang. Air mata saya bergenang kembali….

* * * * * * * * * * * *

…Sudah seminggu selepas kematiannya. Kini saya duduk seorang diri semasa rehat kerana tida kawan. Sya masih tidak dapat lupakan dia. Di depan tempat saya duduk terdapat beg rakan saya. Tiba-tiba terdapat sepasang tangan keluar dari beg itu. Kulit tangan itu sungguh pucat. Kemudian diikuti dengan badannya dan kepala. Lembaga itu mempunyai rambut yang panjang dan kuku hitam yang tajam. Lembaga itu merangkak dengan cepat ke arah saya. Tidak tahu mengapa,saya hanya duduk terkaku di situ,tidak bergerak,tidak menjerit. Lembaga itu hampir mendapatkan saya tatapi tiba-tiba masuk ke dalam beg semula. Kemudia saya terdengar suara tangisan. Saya ternampak kawan saya duduk di sebelah saya. “Kenapakah kamu boleh berada di sini?”,tanya saya kehairanan. “Terdapat satu takdir yang tidak dapat dielakkan akan menimpa kamu.”dia berkata. Kemudian saya tersedar dari mimpi apabila terdapat seorang pengawas memanggil nama saya. “Ah,mimpi rupanya aku!”,saya memberitahu diri. Sebenarnya itu bukan mimpi. Itu merupakan petanda untuk saya. Tengah hari itu,semasa saya sedang melintas jalan,tiba-tiba sebuah lori yang besar meluru ke arah saya. Lori itu tidak ada di sana sebelum ini. Badan saya berlumuran darah. Nafas saya tercungap-cungap. Banyak orang mengelilingi saya. “Saya tidak mahu mati,saya tidak buat salah…”,saya berkata. Kemudian,segalanya menjadi gelap. Kini saya faham mengapa saya dapat berhubung dengan roh. Ajal saya sudah hampir nak tiba,oleh itu saya dapat berhubung dengan orang yang sudah nak mati. “Kawan saya datang menemanimu…”
•

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Suara di talian menangis teresak-esak. Telefon diletakkan. Tiba-tiba seluruh stesen radio menjadi gelap,kemudian, kemudian terang semula. “Tim,kenapakah dengan kamu?”,tegur penyelaras bunyi. Saya melihat jam,sekarang baru pukul 12.05 tengah malam. Masa tidak berlalu pun. Adakah kejadian tadi khayalan saya atau….?

Am I pretty?

Random 3- cute quote

this is something cute...









Click on the image below...

My life- the story (Part 2)

Is already half hour past midnight..., yet I am still not sleeping though I know that I have to go to school the next day. Actually I just finished a story telling session with my mom. People who are close to me always say that I am a great story teller. I can tell all sorts of stories to entertain them. No matter is general knowledge, fiction, folklore, ghost story, riddles and so on. I do feel that way myself. Usually I can only tell it naturally with an entertaining manner if that person is close to me or someone I feel comfortable with. Actually I felt really depressed today. I do not know why I always feel unhappy during the night. However after the story telling session and knowing that I had actually entertained someone else, I felt so much better and happier. I am so lonely, so bored and lifeless. Sometime I think I am born alone in this world. Gosh, why am I crapping here? Didn’t I just say that I will continue the post of that day? I really do not know why I have the gut to tell it out or share it with the blogger community, I think it must be because this thing have been tormenting me for too long, I kept it too long to myself, I need a place to pour out my feeling. I always hide my feeling in reality. To make it looks better, I will change the name from L to Alex.

Alex and I started to get really close when we are in form 3. Alex being the athlete and sporty one who always like sport especially football and basketball, good in sports but not good in studies except for his math and I being the brainy and the artsy type but did terribly in sports. I also hate sports because I am just never good in any of them. We sat next to each other that year. I have another close buddy of mine who sat next to me too. We got together really well that year, there is not even a single moment in school where we did not have a good chat together. We study together and do many things together beginning from form 1. I must admit that he is the closest and the ultimate best friend I ever have in life. Before I know Alex, I have few other close friend, however when I got really close with him I just totally ignore everyone else. It is like my world has only him and him alone.

The reason why Alex means so much to me is because of the following reasons. He thought me many things. He thought me what is friendship, forgive and forget, being humble, filial to our parents, treat others nicely regardless of who there are, help those who are in trouble and the list go on. I must admit that before knowing him I am a proud, selfish and only care of myself. I never treat others nicely. I always feel tall and mighty. It not just only that, from the first day I met him I have this feeling that I really don’t know how to describe. Whenever I am near him, I feel the feeling of comfort, warmth, meaningful, love and all the positive feeling. No matter how sad I am I will feel so warmth with him and all my troubles are forgotten. Do you know when it happens? It is when I hold his hand, hold on tight for an hour I think and not letting it go, playing with his fingers and disturbing him very often. I will pinch him, tickle him and annoy him and he will just let me to do it. He is really so patient. He never once shows his temper. There is one day he showed me the bruise that he got from the pinching. I feel so bad but happy because he is not angry but just jokingly telling me to see what I have done to him.

The extreme closeness I feel being with him really changes everything. Never in my life had I felt so happy before. Before form 3, I am a quite an autism. I rebel against the teachers and skip school so often. I just hate school because I had so much bad experience. I am not going to talk about that. One thing for sure is that I had a bad childhood experience. Alex on the other hand, adore school, you will never see him skipping class for even a day. During form 3, I only skip school for twice. He changes everything. Because of him I see the meaning in going to school. That year I face family problem. My parents quarreled a lot and on the verge of divorce. I felt extremely sad and lost. I do not know what to do. I felt so insecure, if my parents divorce, who is going to support my education? I haven’t even completed my PMR. I can’t be working. I am underage. I felt so confuse and lost. I do not know who to share the problem with. I can’t tell my friends about it. I am a person have a lot of pride in myself, I like to act tough, I always wanted others to know that I am always fine and no problem ever troubled me before. Whenever I have a problem I just keep to myself. I am afraid that others will look down on me if I were to tell them about my problem. I am always afraid on how others look at me and what they think of me. I did not tell a word about my family problem to Alex. Alex being the concern one sense something not really right with me, he asked why I suddenly keep quiet and look so sad in the middle of a happy conversation and having fun with the rest of our friends. My mood is like swinging up and down the whole day. When I feel sad I just hold his hand. My friend and even one of my teacher looked at us in a strange way. I didn’t think we are doing something gay. I think he is just the best friend I ever had that I seek solace from. During that time, I told him we are brothers. I don’t have any siblings. He said I will always be his brother no matter what happen and I said I will always help him in anything. Wow, sounds dramatic right? Time passes very fast and I helped him with his study and he also helped me in math. Together, both of us got flying colors for our result. He did not expect his result to be that good. He is actually a genius but the only thing is he dislikes books.

After PMR, I just felt that he is no longer around with me. He mixed with his another bunch of friend. I was left all alone. I felt so unhappy. It had become in a way that I cannot have one moment without him being at my side. I need him to be with me and pay all the attention on me. I want to have him all for myself. During that time the funny feeling had started to develop, I started to realize that I am not only treating him as my brother but more than that. I knew that I have always loved him and even willing to die for him. The love grew stronger and it turned into jealousy. I do not like seeing him with other people. He sensed that I am unhappy and asked me to join in together with his friend. Every time he asked what is wrong with me, why do I seem so restless, so frustuated and so unhappy, and also why do I seem to be angry with him and avoiding him, I just tell him, I AM FINE. What is wrong with me? Why am I always like that?

During form 4, we are in the same class and we sat together. The feeling I have for him grew even stronger. He is really super concern for me. No one has ever concern about me in the way he did. It seems like every moment of life matters to him. He helped me to carry my books when I have too much to carry, I said I can do it myself but he insisted to carry all for me, he soothed my back when I coughed badly, he said nice things to me and encourage me. He laid his head on my shoulder when we sit together and the lesson got too boring, put his arm around me. Wow, I just felt like I am the luckiest and the happiest person in this world.

Yes, I love him badly. The more I love him the more I do not know what to do. I get more and more confuse. It cannot be, he is a guy, and how can I ever love him? I can only treat him as my brother. It is a brotherly love. I should not think about others, is impossible for me to fell in love with him. Deep right inside I knew that I am lying to myself. I treat him more as a brother. Am I gay, I asked myself? It cannot be, this is so wrong, how can I think of it in that way? It is a sin. No, I treat him as my brother and nothing else. Whenever I saw him, I felt nervous, I felt my heart beating fast, I watched my every action, I groomed nicely, and I even attended school on Saturday just to be with him. I get so uneasy; I felt the tense being with him. I want to say I love you. I do not have the gut, how can I be a gay. Worst still, I was with my mom in Kim Gary, and there is this cute guy from the opposite table who keep on looking at me. The look that tells you I like you. He keep on looking at me right after I sat down till I left the table and when I left after finishing my meal, he also left. He smiled at me while I walked out. I told my mom about that and she just said where got. That night, I was bathing for quite long and grooming a bit. My mom noticed it. She suspected I am gay, I told him I am not. She insisted that I am because she said I don’t notice girl. I got so angry, things went chaos, I lose my temper because I hate being accused of things I did not do. I cycled away to Alex’s house. I couldn’t find his house though I know his address. I have never been to his house before. He has been to mine before. I was crying, I cycled really fast and I lose balance. I hurt my leg badly. Luckily, I did not fracture my leg. I cried really hard to myself. I ask myself why I am like this. Why?

The next day I went to school as though nothing has ever happened. My mom is okay with me after my dad convinced that I don’t even look gay or act gay. My feeling towards Alex grew even deeper as day went by. I always asked him everyday that if he really treated me as his best friend and as his brother. He always assured me that he does.

He felt in love with a girl. I have always find ways to not get too close to him. I tried avoiding him; I don’t want myself to develop the wrong feeling for him. I acted cool towards him occasionally. When he told me that he love a girl, I told him I felt happy for him and asked him to treat her nicely and court her. Deep inside I felt so hurt, I knew I am losing him; I seldom talk to him and often rejecting help from him. I do not want him to treat me so good because the better he treated me, the more I can’t control my feeling for him. We get less close each day, he talked to his own bunch of friends and I just do my own stuff or skipping school. I really feel so sad, depressing and hopeless all the time. I never even smile for once in a day. I only feel like dying. My mom and grandma asked me what is wrong. But I just did not tell them anything. At school, I did not smile also, not even to Alex. I even show an angry face when he talked to me. He did know what is wrong with me. He assumed that I am like this once in a while, that is what I think. More over, he still have whole new bunch of friends to mix with. He even tried not to sit with me. Who will like someone who always shows an unhappy face?

One day, we have to complete a project, and he asked me that if I could help him to do the cover ever since I am good in art. Of course I am more than willing to do it for him. I even stayed up late just to make the most perfect one for him. However, when he received it, he was shocked. He did not expect me to make such a good one for him. People around us spoke bad words about him. Is like that, people are jealous when they knew you have a best friend. They will try all they can to break your friendship. It had happened once before to me. He seemed guilty about it. I insisted that he accepted it. He did not use it for his project but instead he keeps it. I do not know why I am so angry towards him. I express how disappointed I am and even said that he did not treat me as a friend and only come to me when he needs help. What the fuck, why did I say all that? I am not angry actually, is because inside me, I am all tense up, I love him so much yet I can’t pour out my feelings for him. It is really so torturing you know. He even sent me a message saying that he noticed that we are no longer as close as before, but he will always treat me as his brother. In school I showed my dislike look, it hurts so much. Why am I doing this to myself? Why? We didn’t talk and he also seems like he has already given up hope on our friendship. I mix with a new guy who I have also known for quite some time, he acted a bit gay. Alex found a new partner. He broke up with his girlfriend after a short while. Alex’s new partner seems to really make him happy because they shared the same interest and go everywhere together. I did not get to go out with Alex so often when I was still close to him because my mom always does not allow me to go out. Alex and his partner get so happy together and Alex no longer even sits with me or even bothers to talk to me. I just keep all the unhappy feeling to myself and did not tell anyone about it. I am always unhappy; I no longer groom myself, abandoning my look, totally no interest in everything. I just study really hard and pass SPM with flying colors. There is once I even heard that Alex despise gay who express their feeling for him.

Alex had really changed a lot. He became more mature. He is still the nice guy that you will never regret knowing. He said that I have also changed. I still care for him and everyday I do. We still get together but not as close as we used to. I never hold his hand again. Starting from that day, my life is no longer the same. I have come to realize that it is possible for me to fall in love with a guy again. I am gay? I really like if I get to love a guy again. Whenever I met with someone, I will not have any physical contact with them. I lose confident in myself. I am afraid of falling in love again. I do not know what to do. I can never love normally again, the gayness is already in me. I still love Alex. I will forever treat him like my own brother. I continue being in form 6 although I hate school so much is because partly I want to be with him. He is still with his partner and there are really the best soul mates. I felt so happy for them, because I always told Alex as long he is happy is enough.

After that incident, I find it very hard to communicate with guy. I tend to mix easily with girl. Before Alex, I have a girlfriend. We love each other a lot. Then, her parents object her from having a boyfriend, so we remain as best friend. During form 6, I met a girl which we get along very well. Somehow, my mom objects me from having girlfriend, I did not protest because deep inside me I want a guy to be my partner again. My life is just never the same again. I have a gay friend, who I quite like and we get along well. However I knew that he will not like me, I don’t even look good.

This is how I get to know so much about love, understanding and knew what is it like being gay and also my gaydar is 95% accurate. I don’t know why. Compare mine to Eternal Summer, Kang Zhen Xing is definitely luckier than me, at least he get to pour out his real feeling in the end and Shou Hen really love him. When I watch Eternal Summer, it reminds me of my own experience. ;-0

forever friend...

My life- the story (Part 1)

Do you recognize the above picture? For those who did not watch the film, is Kang Zheng Xing and Yu Shou Hen, characters from the story Eternal Summer. I admit that I love watching gay theme film. Some is really funny and enjoying and some is really sad. I still remember the first gay theme movie I watched was Formula 17. I watch it in Daily Motion. Formula 17 is really funny. I was curious about gay movie then, about guy kissing each other. Ask me why am I curious? It must definitely be I am a gay myself. No, that is not the point. I am not exactly gay. It is because I want to know whether I am really gay. What level of relationship between two guys are considered gay. Non of those gay movies really reflect my life, not until when I watch Eternal Summer. Of course, when I was watching Eternal Summer, that drama of my life already became a memory in me. All I can do is just to reflect again about it. It had really thought me a lot. It is something yet to be complete but I just let it end, I ended it myself. That is why it was so pain, and it is still haunting me.

Am I gay? Do I like guys? Do I look at them, like how a guy will look at a girl? The answer is definitely a No. I don’t like most guys. I only have soft spot for girls. I will always treat a girl better regardless she is pretty or not. But not for a guy. I admit that I like looking at good looking guy, because I am a person that really likes looking at beautiful things or maybe because I am not that good looking myself. So I assumed is normal. About gay, seriously I don’t even know the word Gay or heard about it, or think about it, or what it is like right until Form 2. It never once come across my mind once what two guys can do other than being friend, talking to each other, playing games, running around, doing childish and silly stuff. In my mind, I only know that a guy can only love a girl. Serious I really don’t know what gay is, how is it like and definitely NOT interested at all to know about gay, like how I now still not interested at all to know about lesbian. Do you believe that I don’t even know what masturbate means? When I first heard about it, I knew it was something dirty but I really don’t know what it means. So I started running around asking my classmate what masturbate means. All of them were looking at me with big surprise eyes. Everyone thought I was joking or pretend being innocent. But I said, I really DO NOT KNOW. So I was like begging them to tell me what it means. So one of my guy friend explain to me the meaning. He said it was a guy rubbing his penis on his hand until he reach orgasm and ejaculate. It strikes me. It was not a new thing to me after all, I may be unfamiliar with that word, but I am actually doing it all this while. I started to masturbate at the age of 5. Can you believe that? Even I myself can’t believe it up till today. It started when one day during my afternoon naps, my pants were a bit down. It revealed that little penis of my and some how it came into contact with the bolster. When my penis rub on the soft bolster it makes me feels good. So I continue doing it, and I feel really good and keep on continue doing it until I reach my orgasm. Of course no fluid came out, hello, I was only 5 years old okay? My reproduction system not matured yet. And I don’t know what is orgasm, if you were to ask me to define the word orgasm then, I will said it is something that continuously makes you feel good and when you reach the point of no return, you just feels the explosion, and the tingling sense of pleasure all over your body. So I continue doing it until standard six. Of course not a soul knew about what I did. My first ejaculation with semen is during standard 4. Hell, I was really fucking afraid back then. I do not know what is all that. The second time it happened again and after that it didn’t happen again and while I am in standard 6, it happened every time I did it. I still does not know what is that thing. I only know it was fucking annoying. ( Oh God, I just cursed twice just now, forgive me...) I had this guilt in my heart. I thought I was psycho then. I thought I was abnormal, I thought I was the only guy in this world doing this kind of thing. I thought it was only me who knew how to do it. So when my friend told me about masturbate, I was shocked. It seems like it is not abnormal. A lot of guys, I think it should be every guy in this world has done it before. Even animal does it. My dog does it. Funny right? I think is the nature that God created, every male species will have the need to have sex, if not all species will come to extinction. My friend ask me whether I masturbate a not, the usual answer will be, “No, I don’t.”

Halt, why am I talking about masturbating? Eew, it should be a privacy topic like how it is always done behind closed door or when no one sees you. Back to how I know what gay is like, it started during secondary school. My teenage hood. At the beginning of Form 1, I got to know L. I, of course cannot tell you his name. L and I got really close. The first year not so close yet. The problem is because I have too many friends then. I told in my previous post that I have a lot of confidence in myself. I speak loudly to everyone with confident, I am like the attention in the class. So, getting a lot of friends is definitely not a taboo to me. In fact, I hardly paid any attention to L. He had his own close friend from his primary school. I have a lot of close friends that I just met at that time. Plus I am regard as the smart one in my class. So can you imagine that? I regard a lot of my friends as my best friends. When I told my friend that I have so many best friends, my friend clearly told me that, “Kenny, trust me that you can only have one best friend in life.” Of course I do not believe him. I really love all my friend okay? I treasured the friendship that I have with them. So it was during form 3 that I got really close to L. I have been close with him all the while from the first day I knew him...

Time is really late, I still have school tomorrow, will continue this post next time. T_T

Random 2

You Are An ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excel at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. In love, you express your emotions through actions. Taking care of someone is how you love them. And you do it well! At work, you do well in a structured environment. You complete tasks well and on time. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist. How you see yourself: Competent, dependable, and detail oriented When other people don't get you, they see you as: Boring, dominant, and stuck in a rut

What's Your Personality Type?

is it true? does that really describe me?

Confuse...

Attention: Super boring post ahead, so no need to read T_T



I really do not know what is happening. Why am I always like this? Why? Is it really so hard making a decision? I really do not know want to know what other think of me anymore. To those who read my blog, I am actually a form 6 student. I really do not like talking about my life. It is really nothing to talk about. Is not that I did not achieve anything in life. In fact I did. But life just seem lost. I felt very useless about myself. I completed SPM in year 2006. After that I thought life will change for me. I will be a better person in life. But it never did. What is wrong with me? My mind is corrupted, I can't think clearly. I am really so low in self confidence. My self confidence decline as years went by. I can clearly remember when I was like 13-15 yrs old, I used to have so much of self confidence. I am really so outgoing. I believe in myself. Everything seems easy to me. I did not need to think hard or think twice. I am so socialble. I have so many friends. Something happened. Many things happened. That thing had happened. Yes, it has. My mind is corrupted. I became so sensitive, so antisocial, so fake. I totally don't believe in things. People said I have changed. Really? I do not want to change either. I actually want to pour out all my problems, but as I start typing, I felt reluctant to do so. I really do not like telling my problems to people. I kept it all to myself. That is why I became so corrupted. It is really so unhealthy. I just don't dare or don't have someone to share with. Actually, I once had. But he has gone. I am really also afraid of the way people look at me or think of me. Hate it. I don't want to be who I am now. I really want a change in life. I want improvement in myself. I really want to break free from all my bad characteristic. sigh, what a boring post, sorry . I will make sure I upload something more interesting next time. T_T

Confidence, How?