22 August 2013: A decade of friendship and achievement

The day has finally came...Today is the day where we have made a promise 10 years ago. It all started when we were in Form 1 and attending classes. I challenged him on something which he so confidently said he will win and the prize is a treat to a grand meal if he lose. Haha...he lose in the end. Being a 13 years old, how can he afford to treat me for a grand meal and I am not willing to settle for anything less. We made a promise that 10 years later, we would have achieve success and he will be able to fulfill his promise. In a blink of eyes, 10 years have passed. It reminded me about those movies you watched which always fast forward to a decade later. How things have changed over a decade and we started to ponder how much we have achieved. There are some dreams which have came true and some dreams which have been crashed. Life did not turned out exactly like how I imagined it to be 10 years back. I never even imagine this is who I am today. Although I cannot said I am truly happy with my achievement today, I am glad I have at least changed and found all I needed to. Love. 10 years ago, I was still not aware on the possibility of boy falling in love with boys. I realised who I truly was along the way. It was painful but I did not regret and I have already accepted myself for who I am. Along the way, I know what is it like to love someone but letting it go. I know how to be selfless and knowing that loving someone does not necessary mean you need to tie them down with you. I have learned to be happy to see the person you loved is happy. It is a great lesson learned. I have learned not to take things for granted. If you find someone who really cared and love you, do not take it for granted. If you cannot find the dream guy/girl, be that person you are looking for. I have done it and I was truly happy with my love life now. Sometimes you will find it happier to give than to receive. Most importantly, I have found the true love of my life and the person I can look forward to spend my life with :) It was great knowing that the person you once loved is still your best friend. That was about my love life. I am truly happy with what I have achieved. Friendship. I have met many people who have walked in and out of my life and some have made an impact and changed who I am. I realised you find a great friend when you least expected it. It is always how things work, not only friendship and love. Although I realised most of the people who have helped me along the way are mostly girls, I managed to find a guy who have also helped me in many ways. It was still memorable how I met him and I have thanks blogspot :) Blogging does helped you meet great people. I really wonder if it still works today. I really want to express my gratitude to you, my brother figure and helped to bring me out of my misery and depression. You never failed to be ear to listen. You have also changed in many ways and you are much happier today. You know who you are :) Family. One thing I regreted is that my relationship with my parent did not changed much. I remembered fearing my mom a lot when I was a kid. She still have this aura with her today. I did not have a close bonding with my dad due to the fact he is always not around and we cannot really communicate with each other. I loved my parents but I think they might not be able to see it. I still feel sad that my mom never realised that since my childhood till now, she has not been the encouraging and guidance of my life. I only feel grateful that I learned a great deal of respect and responsibility due to her strict and demanding teaching. There were many tears shed because of her. I became stronger because of her. In the attempt to proof her wrong, I have outdone myself. She still have great doubts on me, but I knew I have proven her wrong in many aspect and I knew that. I know she will not accept me for being gay. I still think she only start loving me after I have became a smarter and can contribute more to the family. It is a regret that my family is the last person I would want to turn to if I have troubles. Because I know I cannot fail in front of them. I will be looked down and be reminded of my failure. I really hope this can change. Dreams/Career. I regreted that I did not follow my heart. What I was doing today is totally not what I imagined 10 years ago. I was an aspiring guy who wanted to build a name for myself in the creative industry. It has always been my passion and I have always dreamed about it. I regreted that I let go of my dream because I was blinded by unrequited love. Never play mind games. If you are in doubt whether your crush loves you, just confront them and get an answer. I wasted many years doing things that I should not be doing because I was hoping I can get near him. This has taken a great toll on me. I was blinded by the fear of failure. Due to my upbringing that failure is not ok, my road has always been the safetest. I have taken the road most taken and let go of my dreams. I do not have the courage. I was afraid of being judged. Although I have excelled academically and got a stable job, there was no sense of achivement and satisfaction. I was working hard everday to pay the bills. I still have a dream and I am still hanging on to it. I give myself another decade to achieve it. Listen to your heart and be determined to do it.

No title

Since is Christmas, I thought I will be posting about something happy,

I even count my days to the happy days ahead,

I dont know how and what should I feel,

as much as i try to tell myself not to think about it and stay positve,

each time i close my eyes, it just come into my mind,

I cant even sleep despite only having 3 hours of sleep,

Why do I have to see it so narrowly?

I wish I could just get over it,

I wish even more you have not mention about it before,

I guess is because I really look forward to it really badly,

Staying patient and working hard,

I thought I could finally deserve a sweet treat,

A least something that motivates me before starting off a new year,

A completely new year facing the working life,

Which I still feel so mentally unprepared for it because I know the kinda pressure I am going to face daily,

I just want that motivation,

I really look forward to doing this with you,

I am not the usually so pestering type,

I have always learn to accept that sometimes thing do not go my way,

But I really want this so badly,

I couldnt accept still the reason why it didnt work out,

You may wonder that I could still proceed the plan with someone else,

Is not about doing it, is about this little wish and dream of mine,

It will just not be the same without you,

Maybe I felt this way is because I have been depress recently,

I feel so deprived of you,

I miss those times when you are around,

I thought I finally could have some solid and quality moment with you,

I just want to be away from this stress, some happy moment with you,

Why it just have to turn out this way?

I really feel so emotional and depress,

I dont know how to get out of it,

I am really trying hard, hence the consistent pestering despite you already tell me the answer.

Why do it always have to end up with disappoinment?

If this instant, someone can tell me what I could do to make it happen,

I would have really go all the way to do it, really..I really meant it,

I just want you around without any rush, without the constant need to check the time, and worry about receiving phone calls...

T_T

Christmas!

Finally the year is about to come to an end...

Reminisicing what I was doing last year around this time, I couldn't believe a year has passed since then. I remembered I was busy catching the TVB "No Regret" drama series and hoping for a better year ahead. No worries, no expectation and just the same wish.

For me, I love Christmas the most among all the festive season as I felt is the most magical festive season, the lights, the songs and the theme just make the festive felt so warm and merry. In order to make myself happy, I will buy a Christmas present for myself, because I never get what I want for Christmas and I never blame anyone for that! Moreover, Christmas usually come after my final exam and I think I deserve a reward for the hardwork during exam. Furtermore, I would have no holidays to go. How Christmas unfold every year just seems like a routine to me, the same old place for Christmas eve dinner, same food, same kinda expectation, same environment, same people, same present and on Christmas day itself, I sometimes even forget is actually Christmas!

That is because I still continue wishing for the same thing every Christmas, to spend a White Christmas with my special someone, underneath the falling snow and wishing each other a "Merry Christmas" when the clock strikes twelve followed by a warm hug...

Moving on from single to being attached, I thought Christmas is really going to be so different this year, I was imaginning it from the beginning of the year until the year end, I really thought my Christmas wish is goin to come true...

I guess I have not been a good boy afterall, I admit Im not really a good boy this year, Santa Claus just cannot grant my Christmas wish.


Dear Santa,

I no longer wish for a toy. Neither do I need anything fancy or expensive. If there is one thing you want fit into that Christmas sock, I wish is a...

Ticket.

A ticket that allow me to spend Christmas with Him, My special someone, a kiss and a warm hug underneath the falling snow. Ok, snow is optional~!

Nevertheless, it will always be my Christmas wish every year till it ever come true...and if it ever come true, I wish I can have it every year...

That is all I want for Christmas.

But as I once said, the simplest wish always tend not to come true...

I guess I just have to continue wishing harder and perhaps be a good boy next year. Hopefully Santa will grant my wish...

A place of solace

Is been so long since I ever felt like this ...I really don't know how to handle it ...but I just can't control it ...seems like this place no longer allows me to write freely...I just can't get out of it...I feel like breaking down T_T

When someone loves you

it is not easy for two souls to met and love each other. Some people met and fell in love but later it gets sour because both of them do not share the same view about love. Sometimes you compare with other couples or your perception about love, you may feel your partner does not love the way you expect him to love. Actually not everyone is born with the capabilty to love someone so much. Due to differences in their upbringing and cultures, different people share different view about love. Some people engage in a relationship because they are afraid of being lonely, they need someone to call bf, or maybe someone to satisfy their sexual needs. The joyous moment of being in a relationship especially when the relationship just started and evrything seems so lovey davey. Maybe sometimes certain people even allow themselves to create a delusional feelings that their partner love them so much just because of some sweetalks and some affection showered on them that no other person has done for them so far.

Perhaps the biggest mistake some people did when being in a relationship was to compromise too much and too engross with the sweet talking and the intimate moment both of you shared. You failed to question the issue that arise in a relationship for fear of losing that someone and not knowing whether that person will like it or not.

Everyone has different perception on how to love someone. Thus, it is really your luck who you met with. Certain people just like to flirt , some dislike someone who is too clingy , some prefer you to go Dutch when goin out for a date, some prefer to be given more freedom to hang out with their friends , some prefer to put their career first in their lives. For some people, a relationship simply means a companion to fill up their lonely moment. Some people really do not think is a big issue and can be cool about it and still claim their partner loves them as long as they know he still show affection. However , it will be unhappy thing for you and may even lead to constant argument if you do not share the same view as them.

You know when someone really love you :
1)When there is no way, he will still manage to find a way just for you.
2) he is more concern about how you felt rather than how he felt.
3) he rather sacrifice his sleeping time just to stay up to chat with you before goin to bed because he was so busy the whole day.
4) he knows even if he cant call you , he can still text you to ask about your whereabouts although he is so busy, to send and type a SMS doesn't take you more than 2 minutes!
5) he rather you are happy than him because he felt even happier when he knows he has made you happy
6) he rather reduce his own expenses just to save enough for you and for him.
7) he remember all the tiny details about you
8) when he made an effort to remember your phone number without you telling him
9) you are never too troublesome for him
10) he loves it when you tell him your problems because that is the time he knows he can do something for you who he claimed to
Love so much
11) he still loves you although you hurt him so much
12) he no longer show interest in anyone except you
13) he made an effort to know your friends

14) he include you as part of his dream and aspiration in life
15) he still think you are gorgeous when you just woke up from sleep or have a big
Pimple on your nose!

The list continues but those are the examples that how to know someone mean it when they said they loves you.

It takes two person to make a relationship work and to last. Action speaks louder than words and sweetalking and promises means nothing if there is no tangible proof of them. However , not everyone is perfect and some is willing to listen and communicate with each other what is their need and expectation in a relationship.

If you want a relationship to last , find someone who share the same view on love as you or someone who is willing to change for the better because he values the relationship too much.

Im so grateful I found someone who has done that for me, lucky to have you darling!!
15) he is angry when

Compass

Waking up feeling zombified these days,

I felt like there is no sense of direction in my daily life,

I am really losing interest in what I am doing,

But despite it all, I have finally come to the last stage,

It is really not the time to give up but rather finishing it and end it once and for all,

Is really difficult to be outstanding in something you have no passion and no interest,

Trying each time to convince yourself again and again,

Im amazed how I manage to pull through each stage when my other peers even failed to pass,

What is next after this?

How am I going to endure for the continuing future doing this thing?

I really tried setting up my mind to like what Im doing, but it just wont register into my head,

I really has taken one wrong step in my life,

How silly is it, because of my desire to chase after something that I couldnt get in the past,

I ended up here, is not a bad place, in fact it offers a bright opportunity,

But if only I have met the right person and having someone to guide me, I knew I would have end up somewhere better

But I am just completely not good at it,

Despite all these, I found something that I like, and it became my only focus object,

You can't blame me, is after all what I have been looking for so long,

I felt so insecure recently, no clear sense of direction, is like I just followed where the wind blowed me,

I just hope there is someone to show me the way or at least tell me what to do,

I really want to have a clearer direction of my own life,

At the moment , I would just need to endure what I am doing until I found the opportunity,

Just needed someone guide me sometimes and motivating me,

Glad that I still have this blog to rant out everything I wanted to,

At least I felt some relief.

If only I have a compass that can lead me....

Fiction became reality?

Waking up with a bright smile,
No feeling of wanting to go back to sleep although is just slightly after dawn,
The anticipation is better than the kickboost from caffein,
Imagining how each plan of ours for the day unfold,
All I wanted now is to quickly meet you and start our adventure,
Leaving everything behind,
Knowing we have lots of time,
But each second that passed will be savoured,
Happy times tend to accelerate,
Finally after those tiring period,
I can hold your hand for the longest period of time,
No deadline, no exams, no work, no challenge,
Where missing you became kissing you,
A holiday worth remembering,
Will this fiction ever became a reality?