My life- the story (Part 1)

Do you recognize the above picture? For those who did not watch the film, is Kang Zheng Xing and Yu Shou Hen, characters from the story Eternal Summer. I admit that I love watching gay theme film. Some is really funny and enjoying and some is really sad. I still remember the first gay theme movie I watched was Formula 17. I watch it in Daily Motion. Formula 17 is really funny. I was curious about gay movie then, about guy kissing each other. Ask me why am I curious? It must definitely be I am a gay myself. No, that is not the point. I am not exactly gay. It is because I want to know whether I am really gay. What level of relationship between two guys are considered gay. Non of those gay movies really reflect my life, not until when I watch Eternal Summer. Of course, when I was watching Eternal Summer, that drama of my life already became a memory in me. All I can do is just to reflect again about it. It had really thought me a lot. It is something yet to be complete but I just let it end, I ended it myself. That is why it was so pain, and it is still haunting me.

Am I gay? Do I like guys? Do I look at them, like how a guy will look at a girl? The answer is definitely a No. I don’t like most guys. I only have soft spot for girls. I will always treat a girl better regardless she is pretty or not. But not for a guy. I admit that I like looking at good looking guy, because I am a person that really likes looking at beautiful things or maybe because I am not that good looking myself. So I assumed is normal. About gay, seriously I don’t even know the word Gay or heard about it, or think about it, or what it is like right until Form 2. It never once come across my mind once what two guys can do other than being friend, talking to each other, playing games, running around, doing childish and silly stuff. In my mind, I only know that a guy can only love a girl. Serious I really don’t know what gay is, how is it like and definitely NOT interested at all to know about gay, like how I now still not interested at all to know about lesbian. Do you believe that I don’t even know what masturbate means? When I first heard about it, I knew it was something dirty but I really don’t know what it means. So I started running around asking my classmate what masturbate means. All of them were looking at me with big surprise eyes. Everyone thought I was joking or pretend being innocent. But I said, I really DO NOT KNOW. So I was like begging them to tell me what it means. So one of my guy friend explain to me the meaning. He said it was a guy rubbing his penis on his hand until he reach orgasm and ejaculate. It strikes me. It was not a new thing to me after all, I may be unfamiliar with that word, but I am actually doing it all this while. I started to masturbate at the age of 5. Can you believe that? Even I myself can’t believe it up till today. It started when one day during my afternoon naps, my pants were a bit down. It revealed that little penis of my and some how it came into contact with the bolster. When my penis rub on the soft bolster it makes me feels good. So I continue doing it, and I feel really good and keep on continue doing it until I reach my orgasm. Of course no fluid came out, hello, I was only 5 years old okay? My reproduction system not matured yet. And I don’t know what is orgasm, if you were to ask me to define the word orgasm then, I will said it is something that continuously makes you feel good and when you reach the point of no return, you just feels the explosion, and the tingling sense of pleasure all over your body. So I continue doing it until standard six. Of course not a soul knew about what I did. My first ejaculation with semen is during standard 4. Hell, I was really fucking afraid back then. I do not know what is all that. The second time it happened again and after that it didn’t happen again and while I am in standard 6, it happened every time I did it. I still does not know what is that thing. I only know it was fucking annoying. ( Oh God, I just cursed twice just now, forgive me...) I had this guilt in my heart. I thought I was psycho then. I thought I was abnormal, I thought I was the only guy in this world doing this kind of thing. I thought it was only me who knew how to do it. So when my friend told me about masturbate, I was shocked. It seems like it is not abnormal. A lot of guys, I think it should be every guy in this world has done it before. Even animal does it. My dog does it. Funny right? I think is the nature that God created, every male species will have the need to have sex, if not all species will come to extinction. My friend ask me whether I masturbate a not, the usual answer will be, “No, I don’t.”

Halt, why am I talking about masturbating? Eew, it should be a privacy topic like how it is always done behind closed door or when no one sees you. Back to how I know what gay is like, it started during secondary school. My teenage hood. At the beginning of Form 1, I got to know L. I, of course cannot tell you his name. L and I got really close. The first year not so close yet. The problem is because I have too many friends then. I told in my previous post that I have a lot of confidence in myself. I speak loudly to everyone with confident, I am like the attention in the class. So, getting a lot of friends is definitely not a taboo to me. In fact, I hardly paid any attention to L. He had his own close friend from his primary school. I have a lot of close friends that I just met at that time. Plus I am regard as the smart one in my class. So can you imagine that? I regard a lot of my friends as my best friends. When I told my friend that I have so many best friends, my friend clearly told me that, “Kenny, trust me that you can only have one best friend in life.” Of course I do not believe him. I really love all my friend okay? I treasured the friendship that I have with them. So it was during form 3 that I got really close to L. I have been close with him all the while from the first day I knew him...

Time is really late, I still have school tomorrow, will continue this post next time. T_T