I must keep this blog alive. This blog represent my dream. I told myself that I will never close this blog till the day I see myself accomplishing my dream. However, I am really afraid now. I am afraid that I will just end this blog before anything comes true. It seems like my dream is just so far away. I realised that I am no longer in control of my own destiny anymore. It is just like you know you should be going this direction but you took the opposite direction instead. In life, it is just not about you. It involves people around you. So what if you have dream and passion? Your dream and passion is not everything you know. Is it because you want to live your dream, you can ignore others feeling? In life, we cannot be selfish. Yes, you can live your own dream if you know that you can rely on yourself and not dependent on others. Is it true that in life, good things are always things that you don’t like? For example, I hate eating banana but I know banana is good for health. I love eating salty and spicy food, but does that mean I can consume as much as I like? What are the consequences if you continue doing things that you like but in the end you know it is going to hurt you and troubled those around you?
What is my dream? Since young, I have always wished to be successful in the creative industry one day. I have great passion for art. I wish I could be a producer, director, creative director, actor and so on. I wish that one day people will recognise me for my work and talent. I do not need to become a multi millionaire or a billionaire. As long as I can support myself, afford to have a decent meal, a car to drive, decent clothes to wear, enough money for medical expenses if ever fall sick, can go traveling at least once a year and enough money to give my parents so that they can live a comfortable life too. Another most important dream is of course to have a partner, and the partner of course I wish was Alex. But I realise that none of this dream will ever going to come true. I just do not have a slight idea how all this will ever come true. I wish to pursue animation, but the course is so expensive and is totally unaffordable. To make matter worst, the salary for animator in Malaysia is so low. I will be wondering how long will it takes for me to pay off the debt. My mom has a got a high expectation on me. She do not hope to see me bringing no money home but in fact still need to depend on them for expenses. I could not blame her, I am the only child and I bear all the duties. I need to take care of my parents in the future. So in the end, I have to pursue ACCA course now. A course that is cheap and promise a good career. I do not like accounting, not even a bit. I do not have a slight passion for the financial world. How ignorant I am. Didn’t I know that having the adequate knowledge about financial is very important? People need people who understand how money works. What makes the world go around is money. However, what makes me want to pursue ACCA though I know is really tough and I do not like it is because I know this course will teach me a lot about financial matter in which I always lack the knowledge and also because YOU are there. Alex, is because he is there. How shallow am I. Another most important dream that I know is next to impossible, is to become his partner. I wish I am able to be at your side where ever you go. I am able to help you out. I am able to share your life.
Sometimes, I even have this fantasy where I see both of us corporate to build our own company and share life together till the day we grow old. How stupid...he will get married with some pretty lady and have children and I will just end up alone with nobody? No, that should not be the way either. Why must I always tell myself that I will end up alone? Am I that miserable? But I only love him alone. SAD!! Why do I always wish for the impossible? Why do I like to make things so complex? Everyone either aims to become doctor, lawyer, engineer, accountant and I am aim to create great animation like disney and ghibli, everyone get married and have children and I live my life wanting a guy as a partner. Now I end up doing accounting because I need to go with the flow, I am wondering if in the future if I will end up getting married and having a family because I need to go with the flow also? People around me will nag me if I did something that is not perceived as normal. I still haven’t reached that stage. I always choose to avoid it. I am afraid to face it. What a coward. Now I console myself that I have to learn accounting because I need to understand how money works to become rich so that I can survive, in future do I need to console myself again to get married and have children so that I will not end up lonely and having nobody to take care of me when I am old and also not to defame my family name? We need to do something, not because we like it but because we have no choice? HOW SAD!! I need to live my life to please others and go with the flow and live the normal life that is perceived as normal by the society? In the end, I will not see my dream come true? But my life will not be that bad either because when you take the road mostly taken you are usually safe and comfortable but never really satisfied?
I do not want to think anymore of what is going to happen in the future. No one can predict what is going to happen tomorrow. I learn to stop worrying now. So far, I did well. I am glad. When the thought of what will happen in the future come in to my mind I will try my best to brush it off. I need to focus on my current life. I need focus on my study. I need gain back my confident. Actually, I did not learn to stop worrying just like that. A word from someone gives me the strength. She said I need to stop worrying because things are going to change already. She said that is because I worried too much last time, there is too much negativity around me, and in the end I usually fail when doing something or either it will be quite difficult for me to do something. What she said is quite true. I am trying hard to change and I want to be positive person and hopefully things will really be good in the future. Maybe, just maybe, I will really be successful in the creative industry one day and also I can really spend my life with Alex....I dare not hope for it, but I live it to fate. One thing for sure, I can never stop loving something if I love something. Is not the same like what some people like to said, when you age, your mind will start to change. I love art and I know my passion for it will never die, I love Alex and I know I can never stop loving him. I am glad that at the moment I can spend so much time with you and I am glad our relationship is getting better each day. :)
