Speaking from a corrupted mind...

ATTENTION: Please do not waste your time reading the following post, it is just a piece of my crap. PLEASE DON'T READ!PLEASE!



Good night people out there, okay, you will find it funny, but it is after midnight when I wrote this post. I am just wishing myself good night. Ya, I talk to myself again, I am crazy or what? Nooo, I can’t be crazy. I got no one to talk to, so talk to myself; it is of course better than not talking at all. I am a chatterbox. Since small, I always talk to myself, I still remember in my mind there will be two operators, and there are inside some kind of a control room. I will ask those operators what to do when I can’t make a decision or I will just talk to them in my mind when I am alone. Ya la, I have no siblings at home; I am the only one, so talking to yourself is absolutely normal. Today I am not talking about childhood stupid stuff. Let’s talk about other things.

I am like that, even my friends know it. Once I get into a talking mood, I will just continue to talk and talk non stop. All of them will say I am busy in their messenger, but I said is okay, all you have to do is just ignore me, you can continue doing your work and I will continue talking. Ya, I am fine with the idea that no one is listening and I will just continue to rant. Many people find it annoying, yes, who doesn’t? They will say, “Kenny, stop it”. Actually when I am doing all this I am just letting go of all my troubles, in other words, PMSing. I don’t mind that you do not want to hear or not listening, as long as I know that I am talking to someone, I am already okay. As long as I am not talking to myself. The only time when I talk to myself is when I told myself to calm down, stop being like this, you should wake up, and you should be quick and so on. Yes, this is what happens when you have no friends, no buddy, no brother, and no sister. The lone ranger. Actually, what am I crapping about? Oh gosh, I am so worried. That negativity is coming back again. I manage to brush it aside for a few days ago. A few days before CNY I felt so happy.

I am really confuse and guilty all the time. First thing I am confused with is why am I studying STPM? Isn’t it a waste of time? I do not know what I want to do with the STPM result. I have not been studying; I am so lazy, so unmotivated, maybe I am procrastinating? I told myself that I have no choice and now that I am studying STPM, I should really try my best, I should study hard. However, every time I sat down to study, I just can’t bring myself to do it. For example, today I told myself that I must study; exam is just a week away. However, I can’t do it; instead I went to watch CJ7 in cinema. Ya, I watched the movie alone like a dumb fella. My parents don’t watch movies. I have no one to watch with. Even if I have, yes I actually have I really want to, don’t misunderstand that I really have no friends, I actually have. However those are the people that I felt so uncomfortable with. Do you get what I meant? I felt so fake being with them, I have to show a super duper happy expression, telling them funny things, being so easy going, speaking the right thing to them and most of all pleasing them. That is what I do most of the time. Where ever I go, I did that. When I show a sour face, all the people will turn away. Okay, the person I must entertain most is my mom. That is because I went out with her most of the time. She does not allow me to go out with other people. She just doesn’t like it. Okay, so I must entertain her and most of the time I am good at entertaining people and speaking good words. I am not sweet talking them. I am just like interacting in a way that they felt entertaining. The same when I went out with my aunt and my friends. However, when I show sour face, not concentrating, they are so angry. I told myself, in this world is about pleasing people, one moment you stop pleasing someone, you are doom. It really matter to me that people like me. I have no one who love me or treat as their really close one. Except for my parents of course, I have good parents, is my obligation to do whatever that please them. It is in the commandment. Fuiyoh, speaking like that, I think I can be an escort. Gay escort? I don’t want la. Can also, but please no sex.

I really felt so lost ever since after SPM. At the beginning of Form 1, I devoted myself to study, I did nothing but to study, I just study really hard. I have a track of excellent result. I hardly explore myself or experience different things in life. I am not active in neither sport nor extra co curricular activities; I regretted it so much today. I miss out learning so much about life skill. What do I know? I only know what I know from books. All this while I tried so hard to convince myself not to think about anything, not to think about fun, thrill, money or any other thing. I told myself that as a student is my duty to study hard and get good result. Ever since, I am not good in sport, I must be at least good in my study. Ya, I did it. No matter how difficult is it, I did it. I have lost count of how many days when I don’t sleep and just study. I can study 24 hours a day. My motivation is so high. When I reach form 5, I told myself, this will be the last year I am going to be at school, and after this I am free. I can finally explore life. I really thought I can. So I continue to study even harder. Yes, finally the day come, the last day of SPM, I felt so free and yet so lost. I do not know why I felt so lost on the last day of SPM. Yes, is over. What am I gonna do now? I have no more books to read. Yes, I am free, finally, freedom. Bullshit. My mom just controls everything. First, she does not allow me to learn driving. Everyone is learning to drive and yet she said no. She told me to wait until 21. WTF! After so much of arguments, she still doesn’t let me learn. It is like only recently two months ago, she suddenly agrees when I ask her again. Ya, I just only took my driving class, all my friends can drive already. I learnt so hard for the driving, I have never drive before, I have so much to learn, I even pay extra to get six extra classes besides the basic five classes. Guess what, after learning so hard, I heard that I have to bribe those JPJ people with RM250 to pass my driving, if not I will fail. T.T I really want to cry. RM250? I know that I am still not perfect in my driving, and definitely they will fail me if I do not bribe them? What kind of law is that? I am sure they will minus your marks even if a light mistake did. I must use my own money to pay for the bribe. I do not want to bribe, I really do not want to. But what if they fail me? Not only I have to pay again, I also have to go through so many things again. It is really so tiring having to wait so long. Speaking about money, my mom doesn’t allow me to work after SPM. She just want me to stay at home and clean the house, accompany her go here and there. I did every thing she told me, and finally I get myself a job as a mechanic, however, after a few working days, she disallowed me to work again. I argue so much with her and finally her I must follow her words. She is my mom, how much can I argue? Anyway, working as a mechanic, an air cond mechanic is so terrible. I am so stupid, there is so much nice job with a higher pay and yet chose mechanic. My mind is so shallow that time. Ya , I only know how to study, what else I know?

Then I enrolled for a level program after I got my result. I did it at Taylors. A-level biochemistry. I am opting to study law. But that counselor advise me to take science stream because she wants me leave my option open. So the course started, is and intensive one. From the first day it started, I already felt something is not right. Why am I here? Why am I doing the things that I do not want to do again? HELP ME! I am really so depress at that time. You can’t blame me. I have been lying to myself long enough. All this while I am deceiving myself. I knew that studying science is not what I want and yet I still take the subject for my SPM and I am proud that I did it. But didn’t I know that I want to be in creative industry? I love drawing since young, I love everything about art, I will never grew tired with something that has got to do with art. By nature, I am not the nerdy fella. I am a person who can’t sit still, who can’t stand being in the same environment again and again, I love thrill. I did much mischievous stuff during school days, hoho, I may be good in my results but I don’t attend school, I am always absent, late for school, skip classes and run out from the school to watch movies. Reason? I HATE SCHOOL. I just hate school. I hate it. I find 101 reasons not to go to school. I just don’t see the meaning in going to school. Okay, a week after A Level course, my mom ask me to quit, she said the fee is expensive and my father can’t afford it. My father is financially unstable at that time. Although I got partial scholarship, the remaining fee is RM 18000. Taylors is a money eater. With my results, I already get full scholarship in so many colleges. However, mom said she did not want me to go anywhere to study, she wants me to study STPM. She insisted and I kind of agree because I have no where to go, moreover Alex is there. But I am so naive, Alex is there? Does it mean anything? Is not that he cares whether I am there or not. I am so lonely, every time I am always alone.

I have always wanted to be in the creative industry. I want to study digital animation, I want to be a creative director, I want to be a hairstylist or a make up artist. I want to be a host. I don’t care, as long as I am in the creative sector, I am happy. However, my job must be sufficient to support myself and my parents. I really want to achieve the day when I can tell my dad to stop working; he is always so tired although he is capable. I want to be the filial and useful son. I want to be able to buy many things that my mom likes. I want, I want, and yet I am not doing anything productive. It has always been my dream that I owned a car, a job where I get to explore different things and go different places and meeting different people, a job that is not the typical static 9-5 job. A job in which I can support myself, eat and dress comfortably, have the opportunity to go for a vacation at year end(I love sight seeing) and I can support my parents. I don’t ask for a big car, a four wheel drive like Honda is really enough and a condo if I have a partner. Ya, and a lover. A guy? Ya, someone who loves me and I love him? As long as I am not spending my life without someone who love me. Sometime I ask myself, am I asking too much?

The reason why I just can’t bring myself to study is because I am really sick of books. Especially text and reference books. I start to develop a phobia towards books. Can you imagine, I read and read everyday and I am not the type that like to study. I just push myself to study. After SPM, before I can even experience the world, experience a different life, I am back to study again and with books around me. Okay, if I know what I want to do with the STPM result, I will really study hard. The problem now is, I really do not know what will happen after SPM, I do not want history to repeat by it self. What I want to do with the STPM result? The course I want to pursue does not even need the stupid STPM. I have always feared of the day that I will end up in school again studying form 6. I always tell myself that I will not study form 6 no matter what. Guess what, the day came and I am really studying form 6. That is because I am so useless, I don’t even have a proper plan for myself, I am just following what other is saying. Is it that after STPM I am going to enter some local uni and pursue my degree in business administration? Gosh, call me a dumb person, but I just do not have the typical business and economic mind for business. I do not have the business brain like Donald Trump. In fact I am hardly interested in business administration. I am so shameful of myself, I can’t even understand business language. Alex on the other hand understands business so well, always reading business and management books. If you ask me to read those books, I will fall asleep and see stars on the first page. If you ask me to read a fiction or an encyclopedia (with pictures of course), I can still read it no matter how thick is it. Why am I such a failure? So immature. I really do not want to waste my year studying stupid degree that is not even relevant. By the time I finish my STPM, I am already 20 yrs old, time passes very fast, and the older you get the less people like you? No, I am saying isn’t it those wasted year should be spend developing your skill in the things when you want to do?

Ya ya, I am so ugly, talk what la. No one is ever going to love you. My major problem now is loneliness and confusion. The gay thing is even more confusing. Am I ugly? People who meet me, said I am quite good looking. Yucks, I want to vomit la, yes vomit looking at myself in the mirror. Okay, sometime I think I look good, and that is the time when I felt so much happier, however sometime I just look so terrible, that I hate myself. Dah lah miskin, lagi hodoh. Mahu kerja apa? Tiada sesiapa mahu kamu. I know that no one will love me or like me if I look terrible and ugly. Is the fact of life? What? Love you for who you are and not how you look? Talk crap la. It is always the appearance. It is like when you looks better and pocket got $$, people will be good to you. More over, in gay circle, since both of us are guy I think it is very important that both of us are capable? Guy you know? We must be strong. Gay love. Talking about gay love. I am such a vain pot during form 1, I guess is the puberty problem, most people experience that, I am super conscious about myself, looking in the mirror for an hour just to style my hair. I quit doing that after that and just focus on study. Recently, those problem arise again, I am beginning to get more and more conscious about myself. I am sign up for gym session half a year after my SPM, because I have to. I am so skinny that time, as a result from studying non stop, totally like a drug addict, so haggard. I manage to gain weight, now with a better arm,chest,shoulder but I still don’t have abs, maybe because I eat too much. I am really scared to look haggard. I use all the money I got from getting good results for my SPM to pay for gym member fee. Why am I doing so much? Just to get accepted? So that someone will eventually love you because you look good? Ya, I think money and appearance is important if you want someone to love you, plus a good heart, humorous, kind, can cook, and so on. If not they won’t really love you lor, or your partner will look down on you, or maybe you embarrass your partner because you are ugly, or maybe when your partner got financial problem, you are too poor to even help him. Can see him suffer only but cannot help? How you want him to love you leh? I don’t believe in love without any conditions again. Loving someone is not about saying I love you only. Is about being able to comfort him, to be there for him when he needs you, to always stand by him. Is it that only then they will love you? You must be 10 out of 10?

Today I am really such a stalker. I go through so many profiles in Axcest. Before this I do not even know what is Axcest or Fridae. Thanks to all the gay blogs available. By browsing through Axcest, I managed to found out that the one of the guy who did the ad for FF is gay, a guy in my gym in which my gaydar tell me he is gay is actually gay, a school mate of mine in which my gaydar also tell me he is gay, is also gay. Walau, my gaydar is always so accurate. After a few months I got my comp, I started to google search about gay. I do not know how I manage to come across Best Male Blog. The first gay blog I read is Ryan’s blog, I have been reading his blog since then, and from the comment and chatbox I get to Calvin’s blog, walau from Calvin’s blog I get to see a long list of link to other gay blogs. My goodness I tell myself. This time I can really read about gay people in Malaysia. I’ve notice there is quite a lot of gay people in Malaysia. Am I right if I say that there are more gay than lesbian? Boys can very easy fall in love with each other? Then from Calvin’s blog, I go Chester’s blog, Alexander the gay?, bibik nyonya, ah bong?, and a few more la. Only after a certain amount of time and much consideration that I start a blog. This is my only blog. Thanks to the gay blogs out there for letting me read so much about gay life. Thank you.

Wa, if you really read this post, I salute you lo. You should not have read. It really wastes your time. The reason why I wrote a long winded post like although it uses a lot of my time is because every time I wrote out my feelings, I feel much better, at least I am not keeping all to myself. In real life I will never be able to this, not even to my closest one, but here I do not mind, no one knew me, no one sees me, no one cares and I can just talk and talk as I like. I know that I am not a nuts talking to myself because someone will eventually read this. Pouring out my feelings really makes me feel much better, ever since I wrote about my relationship with Alex in my blog, I feel so much better, at least it does not torment my mind so much like it used to.

I will not blog for some time; I tell myself I have to be strong to achieve my dreams. I want to focus on my study, my life, I want to improve myself. I want to be someone useful. Let’s tell a secret of mine. I have a secret dream to do modeling and acting. Doink, so embarrassing. Like that also I dare to tell out. Never mind la, no one know me also, I am really so comforted that I can tell out everything in my mind through blogging. At least I no need to torture myself keeping those thoughts to myself. You will feel better if you pour out your feeling. I will not give up in life, I knew if I did my part, I became someone capable, one day perhaps I will find my partner and put an end to all this loneliness and monotonous life. I will not give up and do stupid things that harm my future. Thank you, I feel so much better. Cheers.

Don't give up