My life- the story (Part 2)

Is already half hour past midnight..., yet I am still not sleeping though I know that I have to go to school the next day. Actually I just finished a story telling session with my mom. People who are close to me always say that I am a great story teller. I can tell all sorts of stories to entertain them. No matter is general knowledge, fiction, folklore, ghost story, riddles and so on. I do feel that way myself. Usually I can only tell it naturally with an entertaining manner if that person is close to me or someone I feel comfortable with. Actually I felt really depressed today. I do not know why I always feel unhappy during the night. However after the story telling session and knowing that I had actually entertained someone else, I felt so much better and happier. I am so lonely, so bored and lifeless. Sometime I think I am born alone in this world. Gosh, why am I crapping here? Didn’t I just say that I will continue the post of that day? I really do not know why I have the gut to tell it out or share it with the blogger community, I think it must be because this thing have been tormenting me for too long, I kept it too long to myself, I need a place to pour out my feeling. I always hide my feeling in reality. To make it looks better, I will change the name from L to Alex.

Alex and I started to get really close when we are in form 3. Alex being the athlete and sporty one who always like sport especially football and basketball, good in sports but not good in studies except for his math and I being the brainy and the artsy type but did terribly in sports. I also hate sports because I am just never good in any of them. We sat next to each other that year. I have another close buddy of mine who sat next to me too. We got together really well that year, there is not even a single moment in school where we did not have a good chat together. We study together and do many things together beginning from form 1. I must admit that he is the closest and the ultimate best friend I ever have in life. Before I know Alex, I have few other close friend, however when I got really close with him I just totally ignore everyone else. It is like my world has only him and him alone.

The reason why Alex means so much to me is because of the following reasons. He thought me many things. He thought me what is friendship, forgive and forget, being humble, filial to our parents, treat others nicely regardless of who there are, help those who are in trouble and the list go on. I must admit that before knowing him I am a proud, selfish and only care of myself. I never treat others nicely. I always feel tall and mighty. It not just only that, from the first day I met him I have this feeling that I really don’t know how to describe. Whenever I am near him, I feel the feeling of comfort, warmth, meaningful, love and all the positive feeling. No matter how sad I am I will feel so warmth with him and all my troubles are forgotten. Do you know when it happens? It is when I hold his hand, hold on tight for an hour I think and not letting it go, playing with his fingers and disturbing him very often. I will pinch him, tickle him and annoy him and he will just let me to do it. He is really so patient. He never once shows his temper. There is one day he showed me the bruise that he got from the pinching. I feel so bad but happy because he is not angry but just jokingly telling me to see what I have done to him.

The extreme closeness I feel being with him really changes everything. Never in my life had I felt so happy before. Before form 3, I am a quite an autism. I rebel against the teachers and skip school so often. I just hate school because I had so much bad experience. I am not going to talk about that. One thing for sure is that I had a bad childhood experience. Alex on the other hand, adore school, you will never see him skipping class for even a day. During form 3, I only skip school for twice. He changes everything. Because of him I see the meaning in going to school. That year I face family problem. My parents quarreled a lot and on the verge of divorce. I felt extremely sad and lost. I do not know what to do. I felt so insecure, if my parents divorce, who is going to support my education? I haven’t even completed my PMR. I can’t be working. I am underage. I felt so confuse and lost. I do not know who to share the problem with. I can’t tell my friends about it. I am a person have a lot of pride in myself, I like to act tough, I always wanted others to know that I am always fine and no problem ever troubled me before. Whenever I have a problem I just keep to myself. I am afraid that others will look down on me if I were to tell them about my problem. I am always afraid on how others look at me and what they think of me. I did not tell a word about my family problem to Alex. Alex being the concern one sense something not really right with me, he asked why I suddenly keep quiet and look so sad in the middle of a happy conversation and having fun with the rest of our friends. My mood is like swinging up and down the whole day. When I feel sad I just hold his hand. My friend and even one of my teacher looked at us in a strange way. I didn’t think we are doing something gay. I think he is just the best friend I ever had that I seek solace from. During that time, I told him we are brothers. I don’t have any siblings. He said I will always be his brother no matter what happen and I said I will always help him in anything. Wow, sounds dramatic right? Time passes very fast and I helped him with his study and he also helped me in math. Together, both of us got flying colors for our result. He did not expect his result to be that good. He is actually a genius but the only thing is he dislikes books.

After PMR, I just felt that he is no longer around with me. He mixed with his another bunch of friend. I was left all alone. I felt so unhappy. It had become in a way that I cannot have one moment without him being at my side. I need him to be with me and pay all the attention on me. I want to have him all for myself. During that time the funny feeling had started to develop, I started to realize that I am not only treating him as my brother but more than that. I knew that I have always loved him and even willing to die for him. The love grew stronger and it turned into jealousy. I do not like seeing him with other people. He sensed that I am unhappy and asked me to join in together with his friend. Every time he asked what is wrong with me, why do I seem so restless, so frustuated and so unhappy, and also why do I seem to be angry with him and avoiding him, I just tell him, I AM FINE. What is wrong with me? Why am I always like that?

During form 4, we are in the same class and we sat together. The feeling I have for him grew even stronger. He is really super concern for me. No one has ever concern about me in the way he did. It seems like every moment of life matters to him. He helped me to carry my books when I have too much to carry, I said I can do it myself but he insisted to carry all for me, he soothed my back when I coughed badly, he said nice things to me and encourage me. He laid his head on my shoulder when we sit together and the lesson got too boring, put his arm around me. Wow, I just felt like I am the luckiest and the happiest person in this world.

Yes, I love him badly. The more I love him the more I do not know what to do. I get more and more confuse. It cannot be, he is a guy, and how can I ever love him? I can only treat him as my brother. It is a brotherly love. I should not think about others, is impossible for me to fell in love with him. Deep right inside I knew that I am lying to myself. I treat him more as a brother. Am I gay, I asked myself? It cannot be, this is so wrong, how can I think of it in that way? It is a sin. No, I treat him as my brother and nothing else. Whenever I saw him, I felt nervous, I felt my heart beating fast, I watched my every action, I groomed nicely, and I even attended school on Saturday just to be with him. I get so uneasy; I felt the tense being with him. I want to say I love you. I do not have the gut, how can I be a gay. Worst still, I was with my mom in Kim Gary, and there is this cute guy from the opposite table who keep on looking at me. The look that tells you I like you. He keep on looking at me right after I sat down till I left the table and when I left after finishing my meal, he also left. He smiled at me while I walked out. I told my mom about that and she just said where got. That night, I was bathing for quite long and grooming a bit. My mom noticed it. She suspected I am gay, I told him I am not. She insisted that I am because she said I don’t notice girl. I got so angry, things went chaos, I lose my temper because I hate being accused of things I did not do. I cycled away to Alex’s house. I couldn’t find his house though I know his address. I have never been to his house before. He has been to mine before. I was crying, I cycled really fast and I lose balance. I hurt my leg badly. Luckily, I did not fracture my leg. I cried really hard to myself. I ask myself why I am like this. Why?

The next day I went to school as though nothing has ever happened. My mom is okay with me after my dad convinced that I don’t even look gay or act gay. My feeling towards Alex grew even deeper as day went by. I always asked him everyday that if he really treated me as his best friend and as his brother. He always assured me that he does.

He felt in love with a girl. I have always find ways to not get too close to him. I tried avoiding him; I don’t want myself to develop the wrong feeling for him. I acted cool towards him occasionally. When he told me that he love a girl, I told him I felt happy for him and asked him to treat her nicely and court her. Deep inside I felt so hurt, I knew I am losing him; I seldom talk to him and often rejecting help from him. I do not want him to treat me so good because the better he treated me, the more I can’t control my feeling for him. We get less close each day, he talked to his own bunch of friends and I just do my own stuff or skipping school. I really feel so sad, depressing and hopeless all the time. I never even smile for once in a day. I only feel like dying. My mom and grandma asked me what is wrong. But I just did not tell them anything. At school, I did not smile also, not even to Alex. I even show an angry face when he talked to me. He did know what is wrong with me. He assumed that I am like this once in a while, that is what I think. More over, he still have whole new bunch of friends to mix with. He even tried not to sit with me. Who will like someone who always shows an unhappy face?

One day, we have to complete a project, and he asked me that if I could help him to do the cover ever since I am good in art. Of course I am more than willing to do it for him. I even stayed up late just to make the most perfect one for him. However, when he received it, he was shocked. He did not expect me to make such a good one for him. People around us spoke bad words about him. Is like that, people are jealous when they knew you have a best friend. They will try all they can to break your friendship. It had happened once before to me. He seemed guilty about it. I insisted that he accepted it. He did not use it for his project but instead he keeps it. I do not know why I am so angry towards him. I express how disappointed I am and even said that he did not treat me as a friend and only come to me when he needs help. What the fuck, why did I say all that? I am not angry actually, is because inside me, I am all tense up, I love him so much yet I can’t pour out my feelings for him. It is really so torturing you know. He even sent me a message saying that he noticed that we are no longer as close as before, but he will always treat me as his brother. In school I showed my dislike look, it hurts so much. Why am I doing this to myself? Why? We didn’t talk and he also seems like he has already given up hope on our friendship. I mix with a new guy who I have also known for quite some time, he acted a bit gay. Alex found a new partner. He broke up with his girlfriend after a short while. Alex’s new partner seems to really make him happy because they shared the same interest and go everywhere together. I did not get to go out with Alex so often when I was still close to him because my mom always does not allow me to go out. Alex and his partner get so happy together and Alex no longer even sits with me or even bothers to talk to me. I just keep all the unhappy feeling to myself and did not tell anyone about it. I am always unhappy; I no longer groom myself, abandoning my look, totally no interest in everything. I just study really hard and pass SPM with flying colors. There is once I even heard that Alex despise gay who express their feeling for him.

Alex had really changed a lot. He became more mature. He is still the nice guy that you will never regret knowing. He said that I have also changed. I still care for him and everyday I do. We still get together but not as close as we used to. I never hold his hand again. Starting from that day, my life is no longer the same. I have come to realize that it is possible for me to fall in love with a guy again. I am gay? I really like if I get to love a guy again. Whenever I met with someone, I will not have any physical contact with them. I lose confident in myself. I am afraid of falling in love again. I do not know what to do. I can never love normally again, the gayness is already in me. I still love Alex. I will forever treat him like my own brother. I continue being in form 6 although I hate school so much is because partly I want to be with him. He is still with his partner and there are really the best soul mates. I felt so happy for them, because I always told Alex as long he is happy is enough.

After that incident, I find it very hard to communicate with guy. I tend to mix easily with girl. Before Alex, I have a girlfriend. We love each other a lot. Then, her parents object her from having a boyfriend, so we remain as best friend. During form 6, I met a girl which we get along very well. Somehow, my mom objects me from having girlfriend, I did not protest because deep inside me I want a guy to be my partner again. My life is just never the same again. I have a gay friend, who I quite like and we get along well. However I knew that he will not like me, I don’t even look good.

This is how I get to know so much about love, understanding and knew what is it like being gay and also my gaydar is 95% accurate. I don’t know why. Compare mine to Eternal Summer, Kang Zhen Xing is definitely luckier than me, at least he get to pour out his real feeling in the end and Shou Hen really love him. When I watch Eternal Summer, it reminds me of my own experience. ;-0

forever friend...