Always on my mind

I always told myself, if God ever give me a chance now and ask me, “Kenny, will you want to erase all the memory that you have”? My answer will be a definite “YES”. The memory I have about you is seriously getting me no where. It is a tormenting feeling. I always feel like I am stuck and can never move forward or do other things. You just keep appearing in my mind all the time. I asked too many times, wondering all the time, what makes me so attached to you? Is like no reason. Is this what you call chemistry? Or maybe this is what you call stupid. However, I never really feel stupid, in fact I never learn to give up on you. It is really amazing.

I went for a caving and water rafting in Perak few days ago. Through out the trip, I am thinking about you. Inside the car, I think about you. While eating, I think about you. During the caving, I think about you. While talking to my friend, I think about you. Before sleep, I think about you. I never really enjoy the trip, my mind is just too occupied. Each time, I heard about you and YV, I feel like I am dead. This is really so insane. The only time when you don’t appear in my mind is when I am super busy with my work.

I always ask the same question again and again. God, why do you give me such a gift? What does it mean for me actually? I never choose to love you. I never choose the feeling; it comes all of a sudden. At first, I can’t really make out what the feeling is actually, and is scary at that moment. It is so confusing. The endless heartbeat. When I discovered that I actually have fallen for you, is really too late, I can’t get out from it. How many times I convince myself, how many times I lie to my own feeling, and how I tried to avoid any connection with you, is just makes me even miss you more. Is this a charm? Is this a curse?

I am wondering all the time, if I lose you, will I ever found another person that I can love so deeply again? Will I ever even have a chance to find someone again? I just don’t know what to do. I just scare to lose you. I really feel dumb. I feel I am really dumb.

Question that I wonder all the time, what do treat me as? What is my position in your heart? Do you treasure me? Do I ever mean anything to you? Do you ever treat me as your best friend? I remember you told me, you will always treat me as your brother. But those are so long ago already. Do you still mean what you said? I know I am in no right to expect anything from you, but if there is a slight feeling, where you think I have mean something to you, then is really more than enough.

I just really hope, you will not hate me or severe all ties with me when you found out one day. Believe me, loving someone is never wrong and is never easy....