Sunshine Ahead

I told myself that I have to write down something today. I just have something to share. I just feel so light and happy the whole day. I don't know why. I was feeling half dead just the day before but today it just feels good. Maybe having a last conversation with you helps...nah, is definitely wont be the last but I am not sure too it will really be.
But what I want say today is, I am so happy to hear that my aunt is finally going to start a happy relationship soon. I am happy for her, she has been through a few failed ones, and it has bring her down a lot. She just didnt expect this one to come and did not hope much either, but I think God has His way for her and just when least she expected it, a guy came along and I think this guy will be pretty much worthy of her love.
This is the month of July. Just 5days ago, mark the end of the Cancer month for this year. I can remember clearly what happened during this period of Cancer month for last year.
Last month Cancer, it was a turning point for me. It mark a new chapter of life for me. I wasn't convince at all at first. The lady who I seek for advice, she told me, stop feeling worry, stop feeling sad, stop missing what you had in the past, changes is coming ahead, see this piece of card?? Is a sunshine. It shows that the rain is going to stop, the sun is going to shine again, and when it shine and you will find yourself enjoying the brightness of it.
Well, but I know that I have to make a big move in life in order to achieve that changes, if you want to see changes, change has to start from within. I gather all my gut to tell what I have always been wanting to tell Alex for 5 years, though I just blurted it out blindly but at least I know I have confess my feelings.
Telling you and letting you know that you should pursue the person you love, the girl you have always love because the opportunity is just so clearly laying down in front of you and in the end seeing that you really did and both of you finally started. When you first told me that you have started the relationship with Y, I wasn't sad. But I didnt feel happy either. Instead, I told him that he must be a good bf and take good care of her. Later on, when I sit down alone, the sadness really sink in, I feel so alone. Later when I finally saw you holding her hand, my heart just shattered to pieces, but I know this is what best for you and I must be happy for you. I told myself I must and finally I did.
God is kind to me all these while. Because suddenly I start to have many great new friends coming in to my life, and before I realised it I have moved on from the previous phase.
I guess I have changed a lot from last year. I have become a much happier person, that explained why I have never updated this post for so long, I still remember I deleted the few last post from this blog, those were the last words I have for you and I just don't want to be reminded of it again, even now I am afraid to go back to my previous archieve and read my old post.
I slowly accept that I need find someone new in my life. I need open my heart. But I have matured as well, I know how to differentiate what is love and what is friendship. I know how to handle disapppointment.
But I really still desparately looking for someone to love again. I need someone I can love with all my heart again. But the feeling just not right.
Then I saw you, among so many guys, I just choose to ignore them, but don't know why the moment I saw you, I just feel different. I trust my instinct a lot, there are people when I first saw them, I just can feel is different. When I said different is not because that person is exceptionally good looking or is very charismatic, it just trigger the sense of familiarity in me. Maybe this what the chinese call as 'yuan' 缘.
But I was really afraid inside. I was seeking after I moved on from Alex but I have actually stop seeking. In fact, I wasnt even interested in knowing any guy. Having my few nice friends with me is good enough. I can be myself being with them.
But you come along. I feel different when I saw you. I feel like as though you are going to be the one. But I guess I am just to naive.
Till now, I am still not sure you are what I imagined you to be. I don't really get the opportunity to know you yet also. At first I just thought of ignoring you for good, but part of me tell myself to give it a chance. Is the month of Cancer again, maybe this will change my life again?
Yes, it really did. But I am not sure it has bring good or bad changes. I am not sure I have feelings for you. But I am sure I have liked you, and in fact I never realised that I will miss you. But I don't know if you ever feel anything for me at all from the beginning. So far, your words has still keep me confident that you are who I believe you should be in the first place.
I have decided to put you aside already. I cannot afford to indulge in a emotional roller coaster again. Not at this stage of life, I know I am going to accomplish what I want for myself. I am not going to screw it up. I will just let God decide and show the way, if this is for me then I will get it, if is not, I should just move on. Just like what happened to my aunt.
But one thing I am really sure, if you ever give me a chance, to know you, to understand you, I can grow my feelings, the seed is already planted in me, I just need some water and sunshine to let it grow. This seed can grow into something beautiful with lots of love in it.
Surprisingly, as I was typing this post, I dont feel emotional like how I used to feel when I type out my feelings last time for Alex. I have changed, I learn to stay positive. I learn to have hope and even if it did not turn out fine, I will not be shattered. My heart still remain open.
I always know there are a lot of good things waiting for me out there, I need take good care of myself and work to achieve it.
I am going to be a happy person =)